obdurateme-

2012-01-29T18:16:00.001+08:00

Chinese New Year 2012

This year's Chinese New Year has adopted a fresh and better atmosphere for a change. Our visit to the usual places at our Grandmother's and Aunt's both at Hougang this year, was so much better this year. Every one seemed more cohesive and interactive this time round, or perhaps it's just me having not seen them for quite a while. Nonetheless, I was happy and it was fun for me this year.

Tuning down a little, we didn't stay long at our Aunt's at Hougang. We headed out for a movie shortly after with our gorgeous sister-in-law, Jerina along with Brother and Sister. We headed to Aranda Country Club for a KTV session after our movie till the wee hour as evident on the pictures shown above. Though it wasn't all that happening this year but I kinda enjoyed the family cohesion thing. We haven't been like this for a long time especially since I enlisted into the army. I kinda miss hanging out with my Brother, Sis-in-law and basically my whole family a lot. In a way, army kinda taught me to appreciate all my family members more, and I also realized how it feels like to be homesick.

Unfortunately, all had to come to a stand down for a while because I had to book in on the second day of CNY which was actually quite a downer for most of us Chinese serving National Service. The mood simply don't feel right. Definitely, I'd be returning back to camp to continue my GAIT again later.

This weekend was full of major upheavals too in a way as well. Lots of unexpected stuffs happened, good and bad. First of all, my Friday night got burned as I was actually able to book out but it all had to be brought back to the next morning(Saturday) as I got selected for the SAW life firing. Fortunately for me, Adeline came to pick me up from camp and drove me back home on her Nissan Teana and I forgot to mention she actually drove me back to camp last Tuesday as well.

All was fine this weekend as well except for some unexpected mishaps but I thought I handled them well, I'd say fine. I was resting at home for almost the whole of this two days as I thought I needed them badly to clear my sleep debts and to recover for the tough week ahead again.
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J left a bouquet of flowers at my door yesterday morning, or wait it was actually delivered to me. It really caught me off guard when I opened the door yesterday but it wasn't all a pleasant surprise to me. I was hoping she wouldn't waste her time and money on me anymore.

Currently, the question wasn't if I still love her or not but point is: even if we were to get back together again, things will never be the same anymore. I felt bad and guilty for not giving her another chance again for all the things she'd done for me recently but, I just can't get over myself right now or perhaps in future as well.

Though I know she was lying about actually having another guy by her now or whatsoever, I sincerely wished it's true and she won't be tied down to me anymore.

I inflicted hurt on her to kill her completely to annihilate all hopes possible that she's still harboring. I hope it will work out this time. I don't wish to do such things again, it never feels good to do it myself.

Anyway, it's still the New Year right now! Forget all the unhappiness! I'm looking forward, for a new and better life. I'm moving on, so should every one whose facing emotional turmoils themselves. Good or bad, right or wrong, life goes on.
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Last of all, I just wanna thank Adeline for all that she'd done for me the past week! She helped a lot and that's all to it.
Gotta book in soon again!

2012-01-10T03:02:00.000+08:00

I'm back after an uber long break from this little space of mine for a while. :) Promised 154 I'd write tonight so she'd have something to read when she wakes up tomorrow and many other people are urging me to update of late. Unfortunately due to my very late dinner cum supper, didn't manage to update before she knocks off and gets home like how I always do in the past when she was working at Durian Empire and Haagen Dazs. It wasn't 'cuz I didn't wanna update, but I'm time tied due to army recently.

In a blink of an eye, it's already 4 months that I'm serving the nation and guess what? It's POP!

Life in army initially wasn't easy to cope with and I've taken a toll trying to adapt to it but nonetheless it's already POP and it's already been 4 months. The upcoming thing would be my GAIT and RCC which is gonna be a hella training to take again. Besides all the hardships, I've also found myself amazing friends and forged many bonds with many other people. These guys in the above photo are one of my few best buddies in camp. They're all wonderful people who fill my days of hardship with fun and laughter-lovable company.

The next thing I'm gonna write about would none other be my most recent break up with J which hell so many people are asking me about. I don't wanna influence people to look at her in a negative light or anything, what I'm gonna write is subjected to my own feelings and thoughts.

When promises are made, keep them or never make one to begin with. Despite never checking her text messages, I caught her flirting with other chaps. Perhaps I was just being sensitive, I don't deny but we had a tiff over it. Since it isn't the first time this happened and due to one major incident that happened in the past with my best friend L, I guess I'm just very mindful when similar incidents were to happen.

J gave in though, and promised not to commit the same mistake again but unfortunately when I was at field camp the following week, she went to drink with two other men which I never had a good impression on and back then, detested. Things wouldn't be so bad if she had come clean with me, but yeah.. colluded with her friends to keep me in the dark. Nonetheless, I found out and asked for a break up.

For weeks ever since that day, she tried really hard to salvage the relationship and it was evident. However this time, it wasn't her, it's me. I really couldn't handle the pressure she's giving me all the time anymore and I can't stand being paranoid in camp anymore with that much fatigue I'm already facing. J gets drunk every night, sends me long "drunkard texts/calls" which I really can't tolerate anymore. As much as I tried to give her that chance again, I know I can't accept her back into my life again.

I met her last Saturday, told her not to waste any more time. I could sense her devastation but that was the only way out for us now that things' come to this state. J said she'd go back home but again, she went to drink. Sent me those texts and give me those calls again, I was really firm this time and ignored her or I know I'd be giving her false hopes again. I just don't wanna risk getting hurt and cheated on again, I can't tolerate all those nonsense anymore.

I diverted all my calls to Pizza Hut, and ignored all her texts but J didn't stop at it. I met 154 as planned the next day as 154 wanted to visit my mother as my mom missed her a lot. After lunch with 154 and my parents at Sakae Sushi, we headed home for Haagen Dazs i/c and met up with Yang and Vans to catch up. I confided in them what I'm facing and handed them my phone. We came up with the plan to lie to J that I've already got a girlfriend so she'd give up and yeah, it's worked. I guess J's moved on now~, but I bet J's family and J must resent me now.

Whatever, I told Sis-in-law and Bro what happened and they supported me and thought what I did was right. Instead of selfishly wasting her time, might as well be cruel once and for all for both of our lives to be better instead of getting tied down to each other in misery.

Alright~, enough of that for now! I'm gonna write on some really important people in my life I've met recently..

She's Denyse Winniefred Aw! Not my girlfriend but one really special person in my life to me. Always been there for me without fail every single time I'm down, & she's got her own special ways of making me smile. One person I'd never afford to miss out or lose in my life. Her family are wonderful people too, always so kind to me.

Always offering me a helping hand whenever and whichever they could. She even offered to get me body wash and facial foam when I lost mine in camp. :) They're great and D means a lot to me! <3

154..
No pictures of 154 with me right now.. but she's one person I shared many many memories with. Even after years, my mother would always bring her up ocassionally and tell me how much she likes 154. :) Told 154 about it and she visited mother just few days ago, and they surprisingly have so much to talk about it kinda shocked me. Could really tell how much mother missed her when I saw them together.

& I never expected 154 to actually acceded to my stupid request and my mother's! 154 agreed to actually drag me to the doctor's the next morning knowing I'm sick when she had to work at 1330 and stays at Changi. & agreed to actually drag me to camp every Sunday to book in. :') It almost touched me to tears, I never ever expected anyone to say that to me and actually mean it.

I'll write more on 154 the next time after we snap a decent picture together or something. Having read all my past posts, I kinda miss the old times..

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As much as we want to hide and conceal it, nobody can escape reality.

2011-08-25T02:37:00.001+08:00

我在TWITTER上已经答应了我的跟随者我会在今晚更新我的网上日记。君子一言九鼎，所以我现在就在此说说我这几天的生活如何！我不知怎么的，今晚特别有雅兴，想以国语来诉说我生活中的种种。

我在上面上传的照片正是在我生日庆祝会时在GOLDEN MILE的一间泰式酒吧和我几位好友拍下来的。我的脸可是通红无比呀！那天真的是喝多了，还醉得一塌糊涂，还得麻烦我一位生胶一同护送我回家。回想起来，还真有点儿丢脸。:(

接着呢，在这几天里还发生了一件大事。想必很多人也应该猜到我想说什么了吧，对我和惠琴已经分手了。

这件事是出乎很多人预料的事，就连我自己也没想到这件事会在这个时候发生。

我非常讨厌你那其他人来和我做比较，我是我，他是他。如果每个人都拿他人来做比较，世上就果真没好男人了。我知道你要求我所改变的东西会让你更幸福，更有安全感，可是你万万没想到你你其实没为我做过什么吧。

我很失望。在你朋友当中，你的生日还真是轰轰烈烈呀！可是一到我的生日，却比不上你朋友们为他们令爱庆祝的过程。而且，我还根本没时间和你相处。我只需要一点关怀，一点爱。我也是人，我只想享受那个我每次都给你的那种感觉，那种被疼爱被重视的感觉。

过后我们吵了架，分了手。起初我还以为原因不过如此，简直是小题大做吗！根本没必要搞到分手这结果，可是却让我发现了其中的玄机。

这事让我感到很困扰也很烦恼，你一时承认“他”是我们分手的其中一个原因，后来又强调我们的分手和“他”根本毫无瓜葛。我可以相信你，可是要是你要我再次给你个机会，你就必须把握这段时间来证明你对我的执著。我不想再听到你说你爱我可是却一点表示都没有。

一路来，我们的纪念日，每隔几个月我就做点什么或买点什么来逗你开心，让你知道你在我心目中的地位。可是我却丝毫一样可以给我收来留念的信物都没有。嘴里虽然不说，但其实是怀着失望和感叹。

如今我只剩下短短十四天的自由了，这也是我可以庆祝的最后一个生日，今天也是我们最后一个纪念日，你还是什么也没给到我。

我对你始终是痴心一片，从来没有半句虚言。要是你还想挽留这段情的话，你就真的必须有点表示。你对我总得有点付出吧，佛则哪儿还谈得上爱？

你有许多时间做你想做的事，你连打工都可以不去反而还跟你的姐妹们到乌节路逛街，怎么还说没时间和我相会。明日，我就能看个究竟，说道容易，做道难。爱不是光用嘴巴说，是发自内心和用行动证明的。

2011-08-05T03:30:00.001+08:00

Something nice ftw! This is Leon's birthday celebration at Marina Bay Sands! 30 over participants in total and 10 bottles of liquors in one suite room. Hahaha, it was fun!

Especially the drunken Lum and his uploaded video, it's simply entertainment for the whole night for everyone!

Judy Neo and I reconciled at last, and things have been progressing smoothly thus far. Hope things will stay this fantastic all the while yo.

Next up would be Vyanne's birthday, Cynthia's birthday and my birthday. After all the birthday celebrations would be the Subordinate Court.

Then would be my overseas trip to Genting. Fml~, what to do at Genting man?! It's going to be so boring~.

There're many things I feel like buying now when I'm so hard up on cash. :( A new pair of slippers, a pair of Toms, a card holder, new bag, update to my wardrobe and a jacket for Bbg~. Money money money!

2011-07-21T04:50:00.000+08:00

It seems as though it's all predestined, that all the ill-fortunes that's going to befall upon me shall happen tonight. I'm awfully low in spirits right now, and my mind and heart is in total ruins.

Got J's call tonight, or perhaps yesterday night during work. I called back after work to face yet, another heated argument.

To my utmost disappointment, J said she don't know if she wants to continue to be together or not. That was what dealt me the hardest blow today, it's almost fatal. I listen when J speaks, but she finds no reason to listen to me when I speak.

J asked me why am I telling her things she don't know. Why ask me such a question and not try to understand what I told you? That's why I choose to talk to friends, as they're there to LISTEN while J is out to WIN the argument.

I replied J: Then why did you tell me things I don't know?

The answer is obvious isn't it? & it's a redundant question. The next thing, J hung up.

Explaining your actions does not change the fact that you made a mistake, we both explained and we all have our reasonings but it doesn't change the fact that we BOTH made mistakes. Explanations doesn't make you innocent.

J tried to ring me up many times after that saying there're last words she wishes to convey. I didn't pick them up. J's given up on this relationship.

Then when I got home, I was bombarded at because of the summon for court. It's predestined isn't it? Fml seriously. I'm destined to visit Havelock Square, the Subordinate Courts every once in a blue moon I guess. Fml, like SERIOUSLY!

2011-07-20T03:48:00.004+08:00

Been away for donkey months and only back for an ocassional rant. Ha~! Now I'm back to update this seemingly dead space of mine after all this time. Yes, I'm here to rant againt this time. Forgive me, I've got no better ways to express my heart felt thoughts besides drinking but it's too expensive a sport to keep up.

Days back..
I went to fetch J as usual. Everything was fine, great like always until our departure from the outlet. I saw a guy I resent to the core. Why? Well, it was because I never had a good impression of him and even when I did, he ruined it right after that in such a way that any guy would disrespect. I shall not go into all the nitty gritty.

It was that moment that things took for a dive. I grinned in displeasure I walked off. J spotted it, and asked me why. In resentment, I brushed her off by saying
"Nothing!"

J asked me persistently, but I was fuming mad I couldn't put it into words at that juncture. J got frustrated, and said: 不知道是我惹你生气，还是你惹我生气.
For a moment I thought, being here actually meant frustration to you.

We continued proceeding for dinner at Cuppage Plaza nonetheless with Wyonna. Dinner was fine, in fact things actually improved then. Then came the moment when I rest my palms on J's thighs, she raised it up to me that I shouldn't be touching her.

Bewildered, I kept my hands to myself the rest of the night. On our way back, I kept quiet. Deep inside, I was engulfed by angst. I didn't know what on Earth I did back then to deserve this, is it because I didn't tell you why?

Our journey back home was pretty much solem and cold. J only spoke to me when the bus reached her stop and that was also her parting line: 我自己回家.

Having already been there at her bus stop, I might as well see her home. I merely said "Aiyah~" in response to J's request and made my way down the route we usually take back to her place. I was walking in front, while she followed at my back.

After a while, I felt something was amiss and I turned back. The next thing I realize then, J was missing. Flustered, I retraced my steps to look for her only to know my efforts were futile. I rang her to ask where is she, but what I got was: 我为什么要告诉你?

At that very moment, I gone bonkers. It felt like high-blood pressure, head was heavy out of the adrenaline, I was frustrated like never before. I hung up on her, walked about aimlessly, reached for a smoke and sat down to calm myself. &, it started to rain.

Having rested for a few minutes, I left for home on foot. A heated crossfire over SMS with J too. Enraged all over again, I rang her up again. We were throwing our top, overwhelmed by her sarcasm I cited that she was very 'guai lan'.

After we hung up, J told me to fucking never call her again. I, on the other hand retaliated by saying: Fuck you!
It was really bad.

The day ended up in ruins.

Now..

It was cold war until last night. Although it merely lasted until last night, there was never more tension in our conversation. The same argument was being repeated over and over again. We are both firm in our opinions.

J often use this saying: If you can't handle me at my worst, you as hell don't deserve me at my best.
Well, if I handled you at your worst whereas you can't handle mine? My question to her would be, what do you deserve then?

J mentioned saying I could go ahead and tell my friends (specifically Lum and Leon) how much of a bitch she was. I was so disappointed. It's true I talk to my friends about my problems as I'm confused, I'm at a loss as to what should I do, but I never once damaged your J's reputation before my friends.
The reason why I often choose to confide in friends is because they're there to listen, and not out to win the argument. From a third party point of view, they usually see things clearer.
Do you listen to me?

J definitely isn't to blame entirely. I'm guilty for not coming clean with her in the beginning and for scolding her out of rashness. I certainly should be responsible for my wrongdoings but J claimed she's totally not at fault.

Does this means I deserved it? I deserved to be treated in such a manner? I am solely to be held responsible for everything?

J has got no idea what she did, immensely injured me. Although J don't deserve this too, neither did I. Thinking she's totally not at fault, I on the other hand felt I've been hit harder than J. It's heartbreaking to be scolded so harshly by your lover, but nothing beats being rejected and abandoned just like that.

I knew I was wrong, does J?

I failed to obtain J's understanding despite constant attempts to explain the latter. What am I to do?

I did all I could, I give up. Until J understands, that is.

If you were me, tell me what you'd have done. Do you know how it feels like to be me?
This time, I'm standing up for myself. I too, have feelings which you should not neglect.

2011-06-06T04:09:00.000+08:00

It seems as though you're purposefully drawing the distance. I wonder why.. but if you are ever tired of me already, tell me and let me go.

It's raining heavily again at this hour..

2011-06-02T04:01:00.001+08:00

Time and again, I was asked by many people how I put up with everything till today. I don't know what enabled me to do so either, perhaps it's just out of love.

Looking back, I felt I've already given my all and my best. I tried, and have got no regrets.

2011-06-01T04:08:00.001+08:00

I didn't eat all day until now. Today was a very draining day..

I was on the verge of having to crawl back home I suppose? It was really rash of me I guess, to confront a group of twenty imbeciles who have no regards for the law. Honestly, I didn't think I'd make it home safe after I reached the place and saw how things evolved. I guess it was just luck.

I am feeling powerless now. I can't do no shit about this and I can't even do anything for my Beloved ultimately after trying my hardest. Yeah, they're right. I long left the pugilistic realm but does that mean law, justice and reason won't prevail? Hell, what's this world coming to I wonder.

I was containing all my emotions, my angst, my frustrations and my helplessness. My head felt as though it's bursting all day, my heart felt so heavy as though it's sinking to depth of darkness. I don't know what can I do now. Being insulted and cursed right before your arch enemies and yet totally overpowered.

At the very least, things had come to a close. It's over now but I simply can't let it go deep down. It's my girl you're talking about.

I owe Kegan, Zhi Yang and co. a very huge apology today for not showing up for our arranged meeting as I was really tied up with things then at that god forsaken place I wished I never had to be at.

& I also owe Judy.N a huge apology. It was fault on my part for me to keep such things from you, but I'm sorry. Knowing you, you won't let any ill-fortune to befall upon your friends. Should anything happens to Shanny and Kim, I know you'd definitely do something and not just stand down. To prevent that from happening, I've got to make my move before all of you.

You may think I'm selfish and I don't deny it but I'm definitely not trying to play the role of a hero trying to shoulder everything alone for everyone. Truthfully, I actually did it for you. You'd end up getting involved from my understanding of you if anything were to happen to them, so I went on ahead before that as I won't want to see you in any form of shits. If it must happen, let it happen to me then.

If things didn't happen today, it'd happen in the future. I'm enlisting in 3 months' time my Dearest girl. Should anything happen to you then, I can't be there to protect you and can't be there for you anymore. So, let it end now if possible by myself. That's all I wanted.

When you managed to call through to me just now, I can tell you were hell worried. I know too, and I'm gravely sorry for making you worry so much. I swear I didn't want to be there and I wish I don't have to go, but I must. You said it was a nightmare for you. I'm sorry to scare you, but I'm glad I ended my nightmare of having to see you in danger myself. :')

You asked me many many questions..
What if this happens? & what if that happens? If they did this to you?
You also asked me:
What are you going to do should anything happen to me?

If things were to go gravely wrong, I'd still want you to live well even if I were to be unable to return. You asked for my understanding, trust me I do.

I answered all your questions. & I just ask of you to question yourself one thing:
Knowing what might happen and I ain't that confident myself that I'd tide through, but why on Earth would I still proceed?
That answer is: You.

2011-05-31T03:44:00.003+08:00

Yes, it's happened again.

Today, I'm very disappointed. You think we can't communicate in any way but to begin with, you weren't ready to accept what I have to say. You chose not to believe me.

Whenever you said hurtful things, I swallowed my pride and took it to my stride. It hurts a lot deep down although I feigned fine. Perhaps I sounded okay or looked fine to you all this while, but I'd say maybe I just acted well. I never ever said such things regardless how heated our argument was simply because I knew how much it'd hurt deep down since I was always at the receiving end. & I don't wish for you to undergo such pains.

Definitely, people make mistakes. I, am just human and I commit mistakes too. So does You. I apologize every single time ultimately regardless whether I'm at fault or not simply because I don't want any conflicts and as long as everything end up fine, I'm okay with submitting every time. But don't push it.

You shout at me, scolded me, said awful things when all I wanted to do seriously was to ensure your well-being and safety. I've been through those times far many times compared to you considering the background I've got. How wouldn't I understand? Of course I do know what you're going through, but all the more at such times we should keep our cool and not lose our rationality or things would take a turn for the worst.

I've gone through all kinds of shits, tagging, probation, lock-ups, charged in court and many more. Tell me about not knowing how you feel. As much as you want me to understand you and believe me I really do, please understand me too. Nobody on earth would want to see their beloved get into troubles and if I could, I'd not let that happen at all costs. It isn't because I find girls powerless against the herculean males, it's just me not wanting anything ill to befall upon you.

Maybe I made it sound as though you're very nosey and yes, I certainly do not want you to get involved. Fact is, I don't think you're being nosey. I simply don't want anything to happen to you.

You always said I didn't put myself in your shoes and think from your point of view, but in reality I did and that explains all my doings. You may not like that sort of arrangement definitely and I must apologize for that but it's for your own interests. It's most disappointing to me for you to not understand why I'm doing these. Hate me for doing this, but who on Earth thinks for me?
Nobody.

I really love you.

Disappointment..?

2011-05-06T20:52:00.001+08:00

I know you missed me, but it was all just a misunderstanding. I intended to call back but I haven't had my meal after such a tiring day and you picked a fight with me.

You said you miss me but where were you? You were at home! Every time you knock off, I pick you up and see you home 'cuz I miss you, am worried about you and wanna be there for you when you're beat. You'll have my shoulder to lean against, my arm to hold onto, and light to guide you home. When I'm tired after work, all I have is a window to lean against either in the bus or cab. If you ain't working and I asked you to come here, I always receive replies such as "Lazy", "See first" and "Don't feel like". Speaking of disappointment? The best part is, you could be out at KBox or out shopping but you simply don't want to or don't have the time to come here for me when I needed you.

"Ihateyou" whenever I does something wrong but never an "Iloveyou" when things are right. Demoralizing hell much. Damned.

I apologized, and hope things would be fine but why are you still acting this way? If you're feeling disappointed over one phone call, what am I suppose to feel like?

"Cherish what you have now". That phrase wasn't for you, it's for myself. Cherish the happy times I have with you and make full use of it is what I was thinking. You said you're trying to curb that foul temper and attitude of yours that always escalate a trivial issue to such a mess but it's acting up again - now.

2011-05-06T03:22:00.001+08:00

It was a tiring day at work, super. Not forgetting I'm still sick.

60 pax buffet was hell and on top of that, there's still walk-in customers. Fml. Then Frankenstein has to add up to it. Gave him a good fuck too.

End of the day, Bby.Neo was upset and disappointed. I didn't call back.
Well, I was super tired, and I haven't eat yet. I said I'd call back after I eat. Trust me, I would have done so. Voiceless, tired and hungry from work, I hope you could understand me but sigh. After a tiring day at work, you always have my shoulder to lean on, it's the same for me but yeah.. I don't wanna quarrel!

You said you'd change your attitude so please, stop flaunting it as it hurts people who love you.

I guess you're going to call off tomorrow's meeting, sigh~. I'm just gonna have my hair cut alone tomorrow and see what I could do with the rest of my day. Another off day alone, fmlx2.

When I said I miss you, no no it wasn't sweet talk. I said so in the morning, my dream. You got it all wrong, it wasn't sweet talk to appease you. It was how much I wished you were here for me as much as I was there for you, a shoulder for me when I'm tired on my way home. A hug at times, and to ever hear you say you do love me.

I just love to be hugged from the back.

It's come down to this..

2011-04-19T02:35:00.001+08:00

Just came back from chalet yesterday with Baby, or perhaps Judy for Wyonna's birthday. :) Yesterday was pleasant, and fun? Fun? Not really fun for me actually especially when deep down, I know it's all an act to please everyone. Things ain't fine at all. At least that's what's in her head and from her actions, I've got a feeling her heart is denying her head.

I knew this day would come after yesterday, but I didn't expect it to be so quick. Today is really draining for me because of yesterday's wilderness. I wished I was drunk, believe me I wanted to be but She stopped me from doing so and She ended up drunk herself. I didn't sleep all night at all actually. I was so worried She might catch a cold on the floor, running jackets and blankets on Her. She kept resisting then, I don't know why but She was strengthless to do so. I only realized Her intention was to put me to sleep, have me covered with my then, topless body with the jackets and blanket.

Very sweet. :) Today, I was also very tired because it happened all so soon. I fucking predicted this last week and I told Leslie that She'd act right after Sunday. Then, it happened. Mother told me not to commit too much now yet too this morning, but I brushed Mum off with faith in heart that She'd be the One. Even now, my faith haven't waver. Even more tired, to put on a smile although I'm not happy, although I'm sad that all these is happening. I smiled all day today talking to people, interacting with people but hey, my heart is cryin'.

It feels like that day again.. & after what Elisa told me yesterday night, boy this is slowly becoming such a phobia. It's so scary~, I fear history might repeat itself again.

Nonetheless like what I told people time and again, She's truly a really great girl to be with. She's like no other before, lets me feel so loved, cared for and protected by. Like no other, She's the best I've ever had. First time in my life, a girl cooks for me, knows my favorite drinks, knows my food preferences, gives me a massage after a tiring day of work and so much more. Buys me pants, buys me shirt as my wardrobe is running dry. This coming-to-four-months journey seemed so intense, so much happened.

Then again, there're good and bad times. The only thing about Her that is harder to cope with is her temper and obstinance. Its a great challenge for me, but that's what makes my Baby Her isn't it? I do miss seeing her getting mad at times. I love the eratic ups and downs happening ocassionally, it does color our lives with all kinds of experiences and allow us to know each other better isn't it true?

But now, slowly.. It's importance is depreciating. She's no longer treating me like her own, like the past. She's changed and evolved into someone else. I myself have got a stuck up attitude and ill temper but hey, I do love and care. I cherish and I treasure like never before, her touch seemed so cold now its lost all meaning. The look in her eyes as though you're denying yourself. I guess at times, people just can't deny the familiarity, love and care when they're trying to give up love. It just happened all so naturally.

She wants a time out to think it through. I don't know why. I always look back at how we came this far together, all our tiffs and those beautiful memories and have got only one conclusion: We quarrel, we've had tiffs but after all, we just want the best for each other, want assurance from each other, and love and care for each other.

Tomorrow, I'm going to have a hell lot ta things to tell her. Truths since day one. I'll write them here too. Let this be my diary, I need to write things off my mind or I simply can't feel better. Insomnia is going to be best friend again for weeks.

I said I'm going to be fine without her, I said I wouldn't die. I said I'd live well, I said I'd smile. Behind every "I'm" and "I'd", I chant "I hope".

When I first ran into Her, I thought I found another reason to live for now. Now, perhaps it's going to be lost again.

No idea why, I just kinda like this picture. ♥
-------------

I was thinking about you, thinking about me.
Thinking about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, it was only just a dream.
Travel back, down that road.
Will you come back? No one knows.
I realize, it was only just a dream.

I was at the top and I was like I’m at the basement.
Number one spot now you found you’re a replacement.
I swear now that I can't take it, knowing somebody's got my baby.
And now you ain't around, baby I can't think.
I shoulda put it down. shoulda got that ring.
Cause I can still feel it in the air.
See your pretty face run my fingers through your hair.
My lover, my life. my baby, my wife.
You left me, I'm tired.
Cause I know that it just ain't right.

I was thinking about you, thinking about me.
Thinking about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Will you come back? No one knows.
I realize, it was only just a dream.

Riding man I swear I see your face at every turn.
Trying to get my usher over, I can let it burn.
And I just hope you notice you’re the only one I yearn for.
Oh I'm miss her when will I learn?
Didn't give your all my love, I guess now I got my payback.
Now I'm in the club thinking all about you baby.
Hey, you were so easy to love. But wait, I guess that love wasn't enough.
I'm going through it every time that I'm alone.
And now I’m , wishing that you'd pick up the phone.
But you made a decision that you wanted to move on.
Cause I was wrong.

I was thinking about you, thinking about me.
Thinking about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Will you come back? No one knows.
I realize, it was only just a dream.

If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything.
Ohhhhhh, if you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything.

I was thinking about you, thinking about me.
Thinking about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Will you come back? No one knows.
I realize, it was only just a dream.
And I was thinking about you, thinking about me.
Thinking about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Will you come back? No one knows.
I realize, it was only just a dream.
Hey, it was only just a, it was only just a dream.

2011-04-15T01:50:00.001+08:00

What meanings does white roses carry?

This distance is intimidating.

我不知道为什么心那么痛，可能是因为我觉得我不想看到的事情即将降临。我已经感觉不到什么关怀和爱。

怎么我越看越觉得难过？

2011-04-03T04:12:00.000+08:00

I haven't written in months~ and in a blink of an eye it's April.

Right now, its 0410 on my PC's clock and I'm yes, awake.

I'm here just to say, my heart is crying again..
& it's calling for You.

2011-02-18T01:14:00.001+08:00

♥ Judy.N (:

I'm writing for you Baby!

在这短短的时间里，我们已经历了许多许多事情。酸甜苦辣，喜怒哀乐，我们都统统克服了也换来了今天的我们。我只要你知道无论发生什么事，我都不会遗弃我亲爱的梁惠琴。

让我们在继续勇敢的往前冲！要是你遇到了什么挫折或不愉快，我一定会在你身旁给你支持和为你打气！我不会抛下你一个人在黑暗里，我会一直牵着你的手带着你向光明前进，向我们梦寐以求的未来奋斗。

不管发生什么事我都不会放弃你，也不准你放弃。

记得我在这。我们还有半辈子的路要走，我会一直陪着你。

爱你

♥

2010-12-27T01:41:00.000+08:00

Right, I've been working almost everyday again and I finally got two off days consecutively(today and tomorrow)! (: I'll be leaving Singapore for Hong Kong and Macau on Wednesday. Ahh. I'm so going to miss everyone especially Judy.N!

Now for all the things we missed out on...

This is what Judy.N did to my arm. :) Wicked isn't it?

This was on a day we both woke up super early to grab breakfast before starting work. (:

& this was Thursday. The day she brought her cookies down for us if I'm not mistaken. (:

We spotted an Auntie who was on her way to town in the same bus as me and Judy.N and she forgot to remove the tag from her new top. We were laughing away at it I've got no idea why. Haha!

This was my sumptuous meal today with my family after working for many many days consecutively! Finally get to have a proper meal with my parents and sister after sucha while! :D

This is the card I got from Judy.N for Christmas. <3!

2010-12-11T01:27:00.000+08:00

All these were from yesterday! (:

Out with Judy Neo Hui Qin on our off day! We wanted to go shopping but in the end, we haven't got much time left after the movie - 'Let Me In'.

We met up out side Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts after her sister's dance performance at Campus 3. Then off we went to town~. Went to buy tickets right away and we manage to catch the show right away as we were on the dot!

Went on ahead to eat at Sakae Sushi @ Scape after that.

As you ALL can see, they decided to camwhore and snap candids of me while I was munching away on my empty stomach after the whole day. (:

While they were camwhoring all the way with my phone, I met Hiromi, Nic, Mel, Jeremy and company downstairs for a while to catch up with the old times before heading back home with Sin Yi and Hui Qi.

Ahh, it was very much a lovely day with lovely people! I enjoyed it thoroughly. (:

Let Me In

My ratings: ✯✯✯✰✰

Well, my review will very much be a spoiler for those who haven't watch the movie. I'll explain my ratings of this movie.

It was a pretty good catch for people like me, with mild tolerance for horror films. It ended up more like a romance film than to a horror film to me. The storyline kinda defeated its purpose of a horror film and I believe the movie is categorized as NC16 partly because of mild sexual exposure.

The storyline wasn't bad actually but for people who are really out for a horror film, this show is definitely out of the picture but it overall, it wasn't a bad catch!

-----------------------

Believe me, I'm lost as to what to do as well. This is seriously unexpected.

2010-12-09T09:24:00.002+08:00

Y'know what, actually I expected to see those posts, those words. You're right about many things but nonetheless, the thought to 'fix' crossed my mind all the time but well, it isn't something we can achieve on our own.

Likewise for you, I've only heard you saying but never seen you done anything. You've caused me so much hurt even now, when I think about it. It still hurts me very much it gave me a phobia that things will never turn right. You left me alone to fight a war and now, the torn and tattered me can no longer put up a fight like before. There're also times when I fall, when I need cushioning, when I wallow in the depth of the darkness but - You never realized.

Actually, I've never asked for much. In fact, if you question yourself what I asked from you, I bet you can't even produce an answer besides the pre-requisites like Love if you really know what it's all about. It feels like all-talk again from you, all I could say was I do not deserve that treatment before and I never want to receive tt again.

Well..
You either still love, or never loved before.

There're many things between us that can never be erased, needless to say forgotten. Much couldn't be put into words, or even expressed with sophisticated gestures. I don't deny I still love you like always, but it's just not You anymore right now. (:

You once raised me up, but also given me up and torn me apart. I've had enough of that. & up till the very end, you gave me no assurance of any sort. Ultimately, I only wanted you to treat me like how you first treated me in the past, but that is too much to ask from you. My bad. Perhaps I asked for too much.

Remember I didn't ever go, you pushed me far away from you.

What a post early in the morning, but I saw those things in the morning by accident and I can't help but write.

I'm so looking forward to my outing with Judy Neo this afternoon~! :D

2010-12-07T01:39:00.003+08:00

Right people! I'm really sorry for being absent for hell so long. I've been really busy with my schedule packed up all with work, school and friends. Of late, I've met many great and awesome people, been through so many more things, & definitely made new friends.

I shall upload all pictures and slowly catch up with things which I can still vividly recall. Right here goes..

I've been to Marina Bay Sands the second time for another night's stay with mother, brother and sister. (: I didn't snap pictures of many things as it's only going to be a repetition of the previous ones. I went to the dinner buffet there at Rise!

I don't wanna get a snapshot of me eating or anything so I'm not there. :) &&& yes, as Mother lodged a complaint earlier in conjunction of their poor hotel service before, we were granted a sweet room with a better view and larger room! It's hella pretty Babaees!

That's me in trunks. Don't think otherwise people. :) Didn't manage to snap a beautiful shot at the pool while swimming as I didn't bring my Baby phone along. There was an eagle flying above then too. A really pretty sight. I'd love to bring my loved ones there if possible.

I fell horribly sick the next morning after my stay and yeah. Ill all the way for approximately two weeks before I fully recover and is fit for all my usual activities. It was a daunting experience I promise.

One day after I recovered and on my off-day! I finally met up with my beloved Esther Sister! It's been really very very long since I last met her. The one who took care of me since I was fourteen till now. She's grew slightly plummer of late and yeah! I bought her dinner and we went to play pool at AMK Hub as usual. I missed her to munches goodness me. (:

Right, now these are all the pictures from Swiss Cottage's Graduation Dinner. Definitely, I'm no longer from Swiss Cottage but nonetheless, all my friends are still there and so are my lecturers. I was having my off-day and we arranged a drinking session after it with Leon and company. Apparently, Lum and I swung by to take a look and the Principal Mr Liu invited us into the function to join in the fun.

I left out LOTS of photos actually as most of it are with Leonies! Our 24/7 camera man with a CANON EOS DSLR. :(

Took several pictures with all my lecturers from before and Yvonne Chua too. I didn't bother to upload the rest as it's taking up a lot of time to upload everything. I've got no idea why my internet seem to be pretty slow right now. Agh!

Then is Celeste Sissy and I! :D She was with us at the Graduation Night as we're proceeding to Leon's place together after that. Boonies was with us too!

Leonies is very beat after everything I guess?

This is by far, I think Fionn Sissy's most memorable birthday gift. HAHA! HOMO BRENT! This is a piece of holy shit man! But it was really fun. I apologize guys for being unable to upload the videos after so long as it is really big and taking me lots of time to upload!

This two was taken very recently with Judy Neo. (: One who I really appreciate a lot.

Right, sorry for all the delays! I'll really upload everything and update more often! Like, as much as possible. Promise people! :D I'll make time as I really have lots to share but I simplified it so much into one post that even I, find it super miserable and wasted!

I don't know why, but suddenly I've got an urge to get a Golden Retriever for a pet and a Nikon D90 camera!!!!! AHH! Craves! & the worst thing is, both are a BOMB.

Right, shopping trip cum movies-ing with Judy Neo on Thursday!

Every moment with you, counts..

~Tag Replies~

Guest11: Ah yes, and my polo-T cost me, $150 if I remember correctly.
passer by: Hello! I'm working at Sakae Sushi @ Scape.

155: Updated! :)

Kaye: Give me your link again please!

2010-10-25T23:48:00.003+08:00

Alright! These forty nine pictures were all snapped on the 18th Oct 2010, which happens to be our D&D (Sakae Holdings). It was a hella fun with everyone from Orchard Central and my most beloved Scape.

Even Alson (Area Manager) was captured in some of the pictures. Managed to snap a picture with Founder Director, Mr Doughlas Foo as well.

Basically, this is my first time attending a corporate function as an employee, a part of the company! After being here for a few months, I'm starting to feel homely at Sakae@Scape. Besides home, everyone at Scape became my family! We work together, eat together, rest together, laugh together and most importantly - care for each other.

My days spent at Sakae Sushi (Scape) is wonderful till date. No words can describe these feelings I developed for everyone there. If I were to leave Scape one day, it'd be out of choice.

New part-timers also joined me at Scape recently. Some of them appeared on the photos above namely Judy, Elisa and Sinyi. My wonder disciples~. They made working days livelier and a hell more fun. Everyone is nice and sociable! I swear I missed Klice Sist ever since she left Scape for Akon!

This is about all for the D&D. Promise to participate again next year if possible!

Whereas for today, headed over to Jurong West Sport and Recreation Centre for dinner buffet at Sakura! Ril, An, Ms Joei and I rendezvous at the restaurant at 1845hrs (supposedly 1800hrs and Ms Joei waited for us for forty minutes). We were very late thus, the mood was kinda dampened in the beginning but things turned for the better for the rest of the night!

Chatted over loads of stuffs and yeah, it was great! & that's it for today! :D

I apologise for not posting often as I'm SUPER busy and schedule is packed with work/studies. Ah! Needa break soon!

OH YES! I got my new iPhone4! :D

LV Belt too~. So.. tata!

To give up chasing doesn't equate to forget loving and for me to give up chasing, it simply means you never looked back, never bothered to lend me strength to run again.

& it requires greater courage to stop chasing than to keep up the pursuit.

2010-10-01T00:50:00.000+08:00

Working VERY MUCH of late and here goes..

Kwayji was bored and she asked me to webcam with her at the outlet, so I did.

Yesterday was really really fun, I learnt how to play Poker properly for the first time and it was a hella bunch of excitement and thrill. Didn't know it's that fun till I tried it yesterday and I sacrificed my sleep for that.

Gonna meet Kwayji earlyyy in the morning before leaving for work together. Greattttt~. Spaghetti for lunch tomorrow. Kwayji promised to cook me lunch someday to prove her culinary skills. Hoho~, I'm so looking forward to it.

Meanwhile, someone owe me Kinder Bueno and I'm going to see that someone tomorrow. Let's see if Someone remembers after I helped out a week ago. ^^

I'm so going to take a day off work one weekend after I get my pay, it's hell so draining to have my schedule packed everyday full of activities.

Even yesterday with them all around me, when silence fell upon the night sky, you're still the first that comes to my mind.

2010-09-22T23:46:00.000+08:00

I ran into AhBang Jocelyn as I was making my way to meet that NEVER-EARLY CECILIA ANG!

Work today was super super boring and tiring! Not many customers and we were cleaning up the placeee! Everything was shining from our hours' efforts. Mwahaha!

Kwayji came over to eat buffet~. Number one moron. Haha~.

I came up with the 'lamest' topic to speak to you again. I was nervous when I called but you picked up nonetheless. Been long since I last spoke to you hasn't it? Miraculously, it felt like the past.

2010-09-22T02:07:00.001+08:00

It's been long since I wrote, and here I am now!

Let's begin with my stay at Marina Bay Sands with a string of pictures.

This is about all and I actually have a lot more but I'm kinda lazy to upload all of 'em as they all seem to be never ending. Haha~. Was staying at Marina Bay Sands with Brother and tttadahhh!

Compared to Resort World, Marina Bay Sands actually offers a more prestigous ambience to hotel stay. I must say this is one of the best hotels I ever visited in eighteen years of my life. The view was great, service was excellent and I really felt above the world for a moment in my life.

Marina Bay Sands to me, actually brought "Hotel-Stay" up by a level due to it's services and the professionalism they practice.

The Sky Park is beautiful just like what everyone has heard. Unfortunately I was unable to go up there during the night due to a private function. So I went up the next morning to take a look before checking out of the hotel. It looks wonderful and beautiful during the day already, so I woulddn't want to imagine how it will look like in the night when all the light decors are lit up!

Now... is my KBox session with Xue Ni, Naughty Yao and Aaron!

I'm more or less in my working attire during my KBox session as I just knocked off and headed there straight from 12 MN till 6 the next morning~. Woo~. Super enjoyable and fun session and I didn't know Naughty Yao could sing this well!

And now, for yesterday...

Basically my outing with my Darling Ceciliaaaaaaaaaa Ang after likeeeeeee agesssss!

KBox and went to "celebrate" the Lunar Festival with her Poly-mates.

Okay, we were blowing bubbles at the sea like some emo kids goinna commit suicide or something but oh wellllllll! Hahaha. It was great but I was damned tired yesterday. Greatttt~. Then went for supper at 302 before heading home individually!

& yes! I dyed my hair!

There is also actually my Grandma's birthday celebration BBQ + Drinking session. THAT was madness. Couzzie was DEAD DRUNK, literally DEAD DRUNK and the culprit? ME. ;) Damned, didn't bring the camera along the other day. Tsk~.

Memorable days spent with GREAT friends! Loves~.

Ain't this post long?! Damned! Accumulation of everything over soooo many dayyyys!

MORE will come very very sooooon. Lotsssssa activities lined up for me still! Zoukkkkk, I'm comin' with Aloysius kay!

OKAY! Now, this bottom tiny part is dedicated to my cute lil Guest at my tagggggggboard. Accursed thing! Kay anyway..

First thing, GET A LIFE!

Second thing, the reason you use for that insult is totally -.-? and ^_~

Third thing, guys DO flirt. Live with it!

&&& FACT is:

I have MANY girl-friends
I address all of my friends in such a manner (including my SUPERVISOR and all my fellow BOY-FRIENDS)
Not only do I have Dear(s) and Baby(s), I also have Darling, Naughty and etc if you actually bother to read and stalk so much
I LOVE everyone of them
I don't deny and bother to hide such things at all if you realise by READING my posts
My friends KNOW these things and they DON'T mind which is why they're all still here close with me
If you don't like it, grab all your girl-friends and shoo!
I made it simple enough for you in point form so... come up with something better PLEASE!

All these facts basically render your argument bull shit~! Amusement much!!
Now this should be quite a slap in your face. ;)

2010-09-12T04:39:00.001+08:00

Right now posting at Leon's place! Drinking for consecutively two weeks now and life passed by quickly since my schedule is either packed with work or studies or drinking sessions.

I so apologise for my absence as I really couldn't find time to update of late! XO, Martell, Vodka and many more~.

Today, CLP was super down and drank a lot, she told me many many things that I didn't find out and realise. We took things for granted and now I know, we all owed her too much we can never imagine. Life, unexpected turn of events like always. Right now, I'm waiting for Yang to come over with the rest of them collapsed at Leon's place and beds.

And yeah, unfortunately, it's the eleventh again. I've got completely no idea what I want and what I'm doing of late. I want your attention, but no I know I shouldn't be doing so. I don't know why do you still care and let me harbour hopes again. Maybe it was unintentional on your part but I simply can't help but feel super idiotic holding on.

I wished I could just let go of everything easily and live life as per normal like you and everyone else, but I can't.

For the first time in my life, I heard a 'Good bye' for good.

2010-08-25T23:46:00.000+08:00

All these were what happened during my birthday with my family!

Didn't take many pictures with friends during the celebration as we were too busy doing other things like drinking! This 18th was a pretty memorable one but I still didn't think it is good enough due to my sickening curfew.

Nonetheless, I still must forward my most sincere appreciation for many people for their birthday gifts and wishings. My Facebook was hell flooded by everyone's well-wishings. There is countless to express my gratitude for so I will just name all the important people here!

They are...

Mother Mary, Angela Sist, Naughty YYC, Yang, Leon, Fionn, Lum, Xiao Fat, ACP, CLP, Erni Nadhirah, Auntie Hanna, Xu Hao and Gladys.

Still many more that I left out, but my appreciation and gratitude definitely reaches out to everyone. :)

Also, I won't be updating so often as I'm pretty much tied down by work. So, I'll just keep everyone updated via Twitter. :D So long~. Will blog again very soon as my working spree will be over soon since school is starting again.

2010-08-15T23:42:00.001+08:00

The Birthday post that everyone is anticipating will come later when all the pictures from everyone is collected okay! :D

2010-08-13T22:34:00.002+08:00

Mwaha. I missed out quite a bunch but I'll fill them all up right now.

I kinda forget what really happened for the past few days and during the weekends. Basically, I was slogging my life awy at work during the weekend. Time really flies at work and keeps me really occupied so my mind won't stray elsewhere. Its a good good good thing I suppose!

Then was a night after work, I headed home and was resting. Suddenly 155 texted me, I was quite surprised and even more surprised when she said she wanna deliver supper to my home. MacChicken Upsize to my doorstep. Thank you very much. Much loves, I so can't figure out what you're up to. :)

Then~, nothing much really happened only until yesterday. Didn't wanna really talk about it and I guess I'll respect other's privacy since others are involved. Nonetheless, it sucks to realise you've been cheated on for the past few months by somone you love. Fuck lies, fuck all of it. I think I look very much like a fool now, a moron who does everything for naught, or maybe just to try fill up the gaps for something that had left. Retarded me.

So much for everything, and especially 'liar liar pants on fire'.

But I'm happy today. I met up with ACP and Crazy Love today. We always talked a lot together as usual and walked about. Tomorrow is my birthday celebration. I'm so not looking forward to it now already. Damned. Spoilt my mood thoroughly. Nevertheless, this awakening from delusion is the best gift for my 18th.

Maybe, you should quit going round breaking people's hearts and ruining people's lives.

I'm sucha fucking loser for feeling so upset right now while you're out there enjoying yourself.

2010-08-08T23:19:00.001+08:00

I'm experiencing insomnia practically almost every night I've got no fking idea why. Its been so long, alright maybe not that long but still fk it alright? Damned lullabies, I should use a recorder just like the last time. Fk it!

Besides that, I've missed out on quite a lot. These past few days were really really a delight for me. Very very much!

First off was last Friday. I finally got a proper meet up with ACP! Jia Hui, Nicola, Casper and Kevin was there too. It is really really great. Been hell damned damned long since I met ACP like this. Pretty much enjoyed myself.

We watched The Last Airbender together and it was really nice except the fact that it is actually quite draggy, pretty much like the accursed Taiwanese serials. LAN etc and its really a very great day for me.

This is pretty much all for Friday although all of us still share unhappiness in our hearts over the same thing..

Then was Saturday.

Great day out with Cassa Ng and Tan Xu Hao out at town. Somebody finally cleared her debt of lunch. Dined in at 7th Storey at Dhoby Ghaut. Quite a naise place and the food are pretty decent. Heard its pretty famous from passerbys too.

Then headed to Cineleisure/Heeren for Cassa's shopping spree and my Fred Perry sweater. Its been ages and finally I've got it. Woot! I've got my Fred Perry canvas like a month ago too. I'm so heppi.

Today was first day of work for me. It was tiring and draining but FUN!

Supervisors were really really nice to me and especially the kitchen crew. Aunties there kept feeding me sushi(s)! I hope things will really be better quickly! There's still much to learn and I'm still kinda clumsy in some aspects.

Naughty Yao came to give me support! (Y) & bought me a shirt too for my birthday up next week. Promised to bring her out to shop for her gift someday too. Great month! Or perhaps great start for a month. Its still too early to judge I guess.

Working tomorrow againnnn! Hope things will be smooth like today. Good night.

Tag Replies

Forget it la! Just be prepared to wipe asses in future. ;) @ Yi Lin

My pleasure. Yang is my greatest friend too anyway. Happy to see him happy. @ Vans

What are you talking about?! @ Kaye

Doraemon! Been so long since I heard from you. You disappeared for quite some time. I'll be fine, or perhaps I am fine for now. :) How're you? @ Doraemon

Who are you? @ iqoahs

2010-08-03T22:51:00.000+08:00

I skipped school again today. I'm tired of it - really. I think it isn't the time for me to go back there now yet. I'm feeling down but all these frowns ain't doing good.

Jerry Lim Ding Yang's Birthday today. It was fun, great and too happy I'm livened by it too. Woke up at eleven plus, I met Vanessa Lee Si Yi (Best Friend's Girlfriend) at Bukit Batok's MacDonald's at approximately twelve. Planning to surprise him, we cab-bed down with an ice cream cake from Swensents and she got him lunch.

Down at Ngee Ann Polytechnic, the timing was just right. Vans and I went into hiding at the staircase to light up the candles for the cake while his friends who collaborated with us kept him occupied with their cake. Everyone was smiling, having fun. They sang him the song with two other cakes prepared by them and kept him back-facing us.

It was then we showed up, me holding the cake, Vans holding him from the back. He didn't look back thinking it was his friends, but to his surprise it was Vans. His facial expression was pretty much priceless, gasped in amazement. & when he saw me holding the cake standing behind her, he was even more taken back as I was the person he least expected to be there.

The celebration was a superb one. Everyone was smiling, the atmosphere was great, people there are nice, all too great.

Yang then headed back to class for his lecture while me and Vans whiled our time away at the Attic of Ngee Ann Polytechnic as we waited for his dismissal. At his dismissal, we sent Vans to her class before we cab-bed back to Lot1 to rendezvous with Uncle Dollie, Auntie Sock and Zhi Yang for our Sakae Sushi Buffet date.

We had a very long chat after that at the smoking area before each of us headed home. Met Brother at the train station to have a talk. Problems start to brew again. Right now, its monetary issues since he got into an accident while driving. Reparations would cost a whole ten thousand. Great.

All good things come to an end don't they?

While preparing Yang's surprise, it somehow reminded me of how .. ever surprised me. Vans told me it was a last minute thing as she couldn't think of something to do for him, and that made me think even harder.

Then, was how happy Yang was when he all the things fell into place. Although its a last minute effort, it was all the thoughts that count. He reminded me of how happy I was that day. He kept smiling just now, and so did I - that day.

Whatever I do, reminds me so much of you.

One thing I must clarify is, what I wrote isn't to buy sympathy or pity, hell who needs those things. It was just to let you know, how much everything meant to me.

I still remember so clearly your face, eyes smiles, touch and words it feels like an imprint impossible to erase.

2010-08-02T17:56:00.001+08:00

This was Leon's Birthday Celebration at "Lot2"'s KBox. Seemed like a lot of people isn't it? There was more actually and I think 25 pax to be exact.

School is gloomy again today. Very worn out today and I'm feeling... sad.

That shall be all~.

My schedules are pretty packed nowadays all the way till the fifteenth! Hope this two hectic weeks will pass by very quickly.

I missed those times.. But whatever, you seemed so much happier out there - without me. Although, I want you back.

2010-07-31T23:06:00.002+08:00

Yesterdy was a really really great day.

Our event was a blast and a tremendous success unexpectedly. The team and I initially thought our booth is going to suck a lot and be inferior compared to others but to our surprise, it is A LOT better than many other groups! We were really comforted and overjoyed our efforts really did pay off in the end.

All our lecturers were either worried or looking down on our group and we threw them off their chairs when they came over to our booth. Entirely constructed from scratch DIY. Impressive huh! However, I didn't contribute much actually, I gave many ideas but didn't practically do much. Feeling a little bad to have claimed some of the credits for nothing.

That aside, we did great!

Later yesterday evening, was Leon's birthday celebration! It was really really fantastic. It had been hell ages since we all last met up altogether. Though many were absent but my upcoming birthday celebration and Free Man Party will hopefully bring everyone back again.

KBox was great, really really great. Will post a string of photos on it on the next post.

Today was pretty good too. Out with Cassa, Xu Hao and Jing Qi to town.

Xu Hao treated us to Sakae as promised and watched Inception. Inception is a VERY good show, definitely worth a catch. I highly recommend it! That's it for today~.

& I found the FP Sweater I'm looking for! White+Orange colour on the shelves at Cineleisure. :D *wink wink*
&&&, another FP Black Windbreaker that Xu Hao promised me when I get my bike. *wink again*
&&&&&, I found a job! Woooooot!
*winks many many*

2010-07-28T23:27:00.000+08:00

Monday

Skipped school on Monday 'cuz I didn't have the mood to go there at all. Met up with Zhi Yang, Kegan, Rachel and Gladys and went over to Yishun for Mahjong~. Woooo.

& before that, we actually went to Bukit Panjang Plaza 'cuz Rachel want to eat her cake and thought Bukit Panjang was Bukit Timah. What a moron~.

Won twelve dollars and sixty cents!!! Sounds impressive isn't it? Pity we didn't play it for real. Yeah, its in chips. _|_

Tuesday

Skipped the first period and slept through the rest. Dead beat.

Killed by project the whole day although I'm dismissed at twelve.

FML.

Wednesday

Skipped first period and slept throughout again. :X

Woke up and saw ... .

Evening was great though. :)

Gotta wake up early tomorrow for project. Hope I could make it and be punctual this time, at least for just tomorrow.

Bye~.

2010-07-25T23:05:00.001+08:00

You guys must think I've just uploaded the wrong picture right? No I haven't and yes, I've been playing Maplestory. Haha, its really a bore nowadays at home and then, I decided to play it all over again. IGN: Apical (Aquila)

Woke up to play just now for a little while before heading out for dinner at Jurong Point's Crystal Jade(my all time favourite) at seven. Yup, its dinner since I woke up at approximately three in the afternoon. I've been gorging on foods today - a bowl of cereals(Coco Crunch) right after a packet of Maggi Mee. Had lots of food too at Crystal Jade.

Farewell dinner tonight for Dad since he's leaving for India for a week on a business trip. There he goes, along with six weeks worth of allowance. Fk it. Haha. But oh well. Was fifteen minutes late on my way home for my curfew and luckily TRC didn't call in to check today.

Don't cha think I've got no life? Yeah, FML.

Someone told me the smile I got on my face in That picture, is one he/she've never seen before. When I looked at it once again, I realised its true and I guess She really did change me a lot - too much. I'll grit my teeth and tell myself I've moved on and we're over and done with. I can deceive others, but I still can't deny my Heart.

& sorry to have scolded you when you used the word 'die' on yourself, I've moved on right?

I removed Addicted by Stevie Hoang and Because You Live by Jesse McCartney. They're still great songs I've loved for many years and songs I'll always listen to. We shared these songs in the past...

Added My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. Enjoy~.

I'm reciprocating in the worst ways..

2010-07-24T23:19:00.001+08:00

Today was supposed to be a really really awesome day & it really was until the part which we can't turn a blind eye to up till the very end.

Lunch-ed in at Ajisen at Bugis first.

Then off to Ang Mo Kio Hub for The Sorcerer's Apprentice since tickets for Despicable Me actually got filled up pretty quickly.

Back to Yew Tee then and got a heart to heart talk.

Well, I can't be more apologetic to you. You know I can't get over her and yet you're still doing so much for me. Believe me, I'm really grateful and yet, apologetic. I'm sorry I can't reciprocate your feelings for me the way you wished for.

You're a great girl, I'm sorry I've got to hurt you this way. Perhaps, I was too straightforward.

I just realised I think nobody else knows I look at the stars when I'm troubled in the wee hours.

The End Is Approaching...

2010-07-23T18:06:00.007+08:00

(This post is a tribute to Erni Natasha Wong Rui Xin, *faithful readers of mine would find the photos a repetition)

The end is approaching, or perhaps its already here without me realising. I now, have to put down every single thing I once held on to so tightly back to where it came from. It was all a dream, and I find my life too complicated with a pinch of dramatism here and there once in a while. I wonder what is the source of this strength I've got that had helped me stand up once and again everytime I fall to the deepest pits of the Heart.

Time and again, someone would be there to walk me out of this darkness whenever I'm left alone in it. & time and again, they will leave one day bringing me back to the depths stooping and degrading myself once more like never before.

This time, its even harder than the past few times - so much harder..

It all started with a string of vulgarities this time. One I'll never forget in my life, exchanged glances for a while, and that pair of mesmerizing eyes caught me, got me addicted. I can't believe what happened to me. I didn't lose my composure although the growing cravings for Her never seem to subside even once.

I was urged by someone to initiate contact with Her. Then, I was glad I could use it as an excuse, but now I realised it was a disaster after all. We're star-crossed since the beginning. Nevertheless, I did so on the 23rd February. It was a joyous ocassion for the both of Us, a dream come true. She went clumsy, lovestruck. I was like a frenzied fiend, excitedly holding onto the phone anticipating texts every few minutes from Her like a drug addict.

As this little crush starts to develop into something even more deadly, we started to have late night calls every night and even meet up sometimes for chill out sessions.

There was also this outing at Marine Barrage. My first kite-flying experience and also our first outing out of school. I was made their coolie to ferry the heavy packets of drinks as we made our way there. It was a very memorable and pleasant day, I've got to know many new nice people. I got to know her Mother, a very nice lady. She taught me how to fly a kite and She jumped frantically like a fool and made me laugh a great deal.

There was the Blind Trail too. I recalled we actually stayed on the line all the way till six in the morning when we fall asleep and we're suppose to meet up at eight the next morning. So, we were late and both half dead when we meet up and throughout the day. Lunch-ed at Paya Lebar and we went for a Karaoke session with Her mother and Zizi and a few other people. She sang Love Story and I could still remember it.

All these dragged on for two weeks before I realised, *BAM* I've fallen again before the deadly element on Earth, 'Love'. Regardless, I've always seen it as a blessing, I felt fortunate. There're thousands and millions of hot, pretty girls out there but you're the only one which my eyes pined for, the one my Heart longed for. I then mustered courage to tell Her I think I'm bewitched by her charms to tease Her, but she took it all as crap and simply brushed it off. I could tell She was feeling the same way, I don't know why..

Then one day, I lost all patience and gave her a huge surprise.

With a rose in my hands, I asked for her hand. I'll never forget Her ugly face, how She was brought to tears and shouted 'Okay!' Come to think of it, I've got to credit Nixon and Chloe much for this effort to be made possible.

Subsequently, we went out again, together to Haw Par Villa.

Too much to mention. All was really good. It was like fantasy to me, life was what I wished. It dawned on me that perhaps I had just found the One I'm looking for after all this while. I was really happy and contented with life I can't ask for more.

But of course, there're ups and downs in every relationship. We've got our own fair share of it in between. That's beside the point, what's important is we held on and tide through all these problems together.

The best part of a relationship is when both parties squabble but still hold hands.

Eventually, we arrived at our First Month together. & to mark our First Month together, She actually did these..

This is the first time EVER anyone did this for me. I was touched myself, almost to tears. Credits to everyone who made it possible too. No words are able to express my gratitude on this one. I was really REALLY touched and happy.

This photo above actually received many likes and compliments from people. & I love it too.

Then.. I've prepared a little red file in return for her efforts.

The small red file contained our pictures, a long message dedicated to Her, and hundred over people to testify for the Love I share for Her. She was touched again - speechless. Always seeing Her so happy like this, I can't help but silently rejoice over Her smiles.

However on the 16th March, we broke up..

Many things happened in between, much tears were she. We ever sat down for a talk, & that's when She realised She can never lie to me for I always manage to see through it all. I got Her back eventually after a month. Things fell back into place but it wasn't for too long.

Things got pretty rocky towards the end. Her texts took hours or sometimes never come at all. I'll only get to hear from Her late in the night as She puts me to sleep. Gradually, things fell apart, We don't meet up anymore besides school hours. Then, everything got ugly, impossible to mend.

She came to a decision for Us to both walk our ways and not cross paths again. I respected Her decision though it kills me and I've got no idea which part of me actually chose to agree to Her proposal. & now, We're nobody.

She's one of the people I understood the best on Earth, and also a stranger on the other hand. Ironic much. Sigh..

No whistling at night

No cutting of nails at night

Your eyes give your lies away

7 pillows to sleep

...

too much to list.

Today, its the End. I've got to leave everything behind, if I could that is and search for a new life. At least that's what She hope I'd do - to lead a happier life without Her.

If time were to rewind, I'd rather not know you and not got entwined in this fabricated world of fantasy that isn't meant to last. Perhaps, She won't have to cry so much, She won't have to undergo so much pain. & life would be so so so much better for Her without the slightest pinch of me.

I cherished every moment We spent together though they're never going to come back. These memories will forever be rooted deep in me and never forgotten. Or maybe because I can't forget them at all. She made me realise I can love so much, She taught me many many things.

11th March 2011 @ Marina Barrage. I'll be there.

Hello. These all are stored in my Heart, never to be forgotten.

I can actually cry reading this post all over again from head to toe. Haha, its time isn't it? Ouch!

PS: This is a very summarised version. I've got too much to express in words and I simplified it to roughly get my points across, that's all. & not many photos either since they will just be a repetition, just a few important memorable ones will suffice I guess. Get to the older posts to view the other photos taken in the past.

-Bye-

2010-07-22T19:17:00.000+08:00

Okay, my computer just recovered from a viral infection and crash. Luckily my Brother is able to fix it since he's damned good at such technical stuffs. What a breather. :)

Missed out on a hell lot of stuffs since the past week. I shall start writing again soon.

Too much happened the past week I can't condense all the information into one post or it'd be hell so long.

So.. till then!

(Replying my tag here this time as there're too many tags)

Tag Replies

Adam: GAY YOUR HEAD ADAM DIDI!

Kaye: See?! My prediction was spot on. ;) & thank you for tagging.

Angela: Got a few good nights nowadays. :)

Erni: Get a life imposter.

Xu Hao: It is nowhere near to being nice. Thanks.

Yi Lin: Lalala shut up Nurse Chiam, you're goina wipe my ass.

Clairis: Haha, oh well?

Marylyn: Why ley?

Fransisca: Haha, my bad.

Cassa: You're welcome. :) & for the first time you ain't leaving without a tag. Haha.

Fionn: <3 too Sist. :)

YYC: Okay! :)

2010-07-14T20:29:00.001+08:00

I seriously hate Mr Hirman. Bloody hell! Which teacher in the world would ask their students to get out of class and do bunny hops one round about the stadium under the morning sun. OH MY GOD. I so hate him laaa. My thighs are HELL ACHING 'cuz of his "enjoyable" activities.

School the past two days were pretty much fine. I'm surprised I managed to stay trouble free for so long despite moving to the presumed-to-be-CCK-Campus. Cheers for that. Angela is so right, I haven't slept well anytime since the year started. Always brooding over things till I manage to fall asleep every night. Great~. May the Sun dawn on my skies again.

-------------

Promises are important to you, so are they to me.

You once claimed they're very important to you,

but please don't harp about it to me.

If they are of such significance, I doubt you'd forget to begin with.

You're blinded by Love, I was blind to begin with. :')

Someone said this to me just now..
"yeahs. walao. your eng sibeh chim siah seriously. i need prepare dictionary by my side everytime lo."
Familiar much?

2010-07-12T23:38:00.001+08:00

To give up trying, doesn't mean stop loving.

You need to get this straight. What really disheartens me from trying, is 'cuz you always refuse to budge and regardless of whether is it MY fault or YOUR fault, I'm the one who is always trying to salvage things while you're NEVER doing anything about it.

You said I forgot my promises. Oh yeah I did? Remember how you broke your very first promise the following hour you made it to me on the 16th April? The following one on the 2nd June? Doubt you do. You always take things for granted. Take privileges for entitlements.

This all has got nothing to do with me from the very beginning. It all started 'cuz of KHAIRUL. I was scolded, lectured whatever all by you just 'cuz you're feeling frustrated. FINE. I don't hell care at all about it, its just because you said I PRETENDED TO CARE. You hung up on me with a BYE although I expressed care and concerns and am just worried about you. I can't do anything, of course I can't. Even Superman takes time to fly to the Padang.

Then what happened next? Yeah, I got flared up this time and said things I shoudln't have probably, but is it forgivable? I'm hot-headed, yeah. However, did I make any attempts to make up and patch things up? I did, I tried talking and all, YOU DIDN'T BUDGE. What's the best part, I'll highlight again that it isn't my fault to BEGIN with. I abandoned my pride as I don't want it to stand in OUR way and let it ruin us. If by letting my ego go, I can have you back happily like we always used to, then I'll break it for YOUR SAKE.

Yeah and I broke it, you weren't back, nowhere close. I was at wits' end. I tried explaining what happened to my friends and asked them for alternatives and solutions, that's when those TWO CHINESE GIRLS showed up. They wanted a smoke after talking for a while and off we go. & then this next thing happened. All that SARCASM wasn't needed at all. & guess what? It all happened also because of YOU, I don't know what to do to appease YOU anymore and had to get other's opinions.

Unjustified, I retaliated. Yeah, very much like a copy wasn't I? But I merely wanted to let you have a taste of YOUR OWN MEDICINE. If you think that was my best, forget it. I haven't started thinking. Yeah, up till NOW, I'm still waiting EVERY NIGHT for YOUR CALL. I pick up nobody elses' calls at this hour.

& don't get me wrong, all these isn't here 'cuz I'm pinning the blame on you, its just FOR YOUR INFORMATION. It is our problem, we solve it together and come to a conclusion. If you decide to let it rot and turn mouldy in time, I don't know what else to do. & I don't see why NOSEY PARKERS should butt in and makes things worse. If it wasn't for them, so many other things wouldn't have happened.

They retaliated to defend themselves as they felt unjustified as well. I didn't instigate it but have to agree with them. If NOSEY PARKER (1) haven't butt in to create another mess/chaos, all these wouldn't even happen. Your decision to trust someone else, what you heard, over me. If I were to have as little faith as you, I guess things would have crumbled so much earlier. If you ever realise HOW MUCH of such things have I ever heard about you, you should have known by now how much I trust you unlike yourself.

You know you suck at lying. Don't say you don't care or you'd have acted otherwise. I hate to admit I miss you and still love you so much. Despite so, I can't tell you a single thing about it, suppressing these strong feelings everyday and wishing upon stars miracles will happen. I guess all these won't work, but I can't help but try.

Can you ever try to make things better once? Instead of letting me shoulder everything single-handedly ALL the time? I'm humane enough to feel damned lousy for everything you ever did. How much have I done and how much have YOU done? If I didn't mention that all wasn't worth it after all these things, I bet NOSEY PARKER (1) don't have any authority to at all. Enough of comparisons, you know it deep down. If you ever treasure and cherish me, prove it. I'm so tired of empty claims. I never felt better whenever I hear you cry. I guess my calls fall on deaf ears now.

2010-07-11T21:49:00.000+08:00

Don't feel like writing much, pardon me people.

Just wanna offer my thanks and appreciation to a lot of people!

Angela, Marylyn, Celeste, Wan Ling, Lum, Yang, YYC, Hao and hell many more out there.

& today is the eleventh again..

2010-07-08T00:19:00.003+08:00

Skipped the first three hours of school today as I can't seem to wake up at all from my all-so-annoying alarm even. So, I went to school for lunch first before heading to the next class after the break at the cafeteria.

Met Naughty YYC at Lot1 for Toy Story 3. It was a pretty great catch and the movie actually was nice and contained many morals and meaningful things. Reminded me so much of You. Ate "lunch" with YYC too and smoke walk, smoke walk. Took a spin on bus 302 before meeting Brother for a while before we all head home together.

Thank you YYC for everything today. You're great. :)

No school for me tomorrow - luckily.

--------------

Lum, you're so frigging right on, on everything you said about me. I didn't expect you to be able to read me from whatever I do. Yeah, everything is crap besides the tribute to her every time I write.

The wind is chilly tonight, the sky is overcasted. I'm having an internal struggle, and fighting to keep myself from breaking again. The night never felt so silent before, was never so cold and stale.

All the loveable friends I've got that helped kept me in one piece, thank you. :) Too many to name.
------------
I hate it when I'm hearing all the things I want to from others. All the care, concerns and love.

I hate it when Adam mentioned 'Geylang' to me.

I hate it when Sinying mentioned my English resembles that of a book.

I hate it when none of all those are from You.

There're many more.

I hate it when all these reminds me so much of You.

I hate it when it when You make up everything and living without You now make me seem so foreign to everything.

I hate it when You always fail to be there.

I hate it when I can't make You feel any better.

I hate it when things never seem to fall nicely in place for us.

I hate it when I have to live without You.

I hate it when I realised the last thing You ever said to me was 'Bye'.

2010-07-06T22:17:00.001+08:00

School was hell, don't ask me why. I just somewhat prefer Clementi as I lost the sense of belonging in school besides the air-conditioned classrooms of course. This can't be any worse.

Classes ended at twelve today and a bitchy timetable. Fancy being dismissed at twelve on Tuesdays and dismissed at five on Fridays. Besides the arrangements of the classes, the timetable is more or less the same as the previous term which really sucked to the core, as much as my life.

Stayed in school till three plus before heading back home. Three hours for a moment, I guess its worth it. Chatted with Cui Wen and Joanne while killing time back there. Ran into Adnan too and he don't seem to be in really good shape either. That word really kills many people.

Went home to change and headed down to 223 for a basketball session with old-time friends. It really reminded me of old times, which I missed at times. Lum is right, its great to sweat it all out at times like this sometimes. Kinda lost my touch at it though, Lady Luck hasn't been kind to me.

FML totally..

I always believed that a true heart with love will truimph all odds, and I still do.

RJ Helton - Missing Me

I love the way it feels when you touch my hand
Don't wanna let you go
I love the way you say that I am your man
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms

Ohh

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life

Ohh

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

I still cry for you
I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
I still long for you
I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

I still cry for you
I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
I still long for you
I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

2010-07-05T21:49:00.001+08:00

Today was a pretty packed one and its first day of school again. Have got things to do since morning till night.

First was breakfast with Zhen Yang, Zhi Yang and Kegan at 145. Met Ah Jon, Ah Lum and Wilson before heading into school. First day of school was as expected, hell lotsa people and gangsters in particular. Gonna lay low and be good from now onwards, I'm so sick and tired of such things already.

Besides that, school was fine and headed off to meet Yang after school as he's super pissed with his Grandpa. We then headed to Ling's house to look for Jeremy and Jasmine to sort out his pending problem and cleared the mess.

& this is cute Ah Bi which we didn't get to see in a very very long while!

Off to Lot1 with Yang then after hoping, really hoping that fate and destiny would be kind to me but it was all futile as expected. Had a really really long heart talk with Yang at smoking area over a cup of Peach Red Tea and a few sticks and headed home.

& yes, I found someone to watch Eclipse with me!

It will be a chore to get past tonight again, and tomorrow will be another long dull day for me.

I guess that last pill will help me tide through tonight. I'm really so tired.

-----------------

I kept watch at my phone throughout the day and past few nights always hoping for a miracle, but time and again, they died on me.

I wonder if I really haven't done enough, or had I done any wrong to you. I'm really puzzled now. You're one I did the most for throughout my life and also the first one to doubt my care and concerns.

I thought of getting you a pillow the other day when I'm out with Bestf to get a birthday gift for his girl knowing your brothers kept taking your pillows away and that you'd have something from me to hold on to at night in bed.

Life is sucha chore to me. Nothing ever seems to progress smoothly. I must always overcome obstacles and cross hurdles to get to the finishing line which never seemed to be nearing.

It takes two hands to clap, and especially in a relationship when two hands are required to hold onto each other. I can't do this alone.

You no longer can hear my heart crying out loud - always for you. You think it was all ~~pretense~~.

No idea how much my heart wrenches to think through how things had been in the past and how it all deteriorated to a state like this. It was all so uncalled for. Especially when you hear someone you cared and love the most, saying such a thing to you.

2010-07-04T23:30:00.002+08:00

These are photos snapped yesterday by Jie.

I was supposed to meet Jie and Ah Qi Jie today but I overslept way into the afternoon and tadah, stuck at home. Jie is going to kill me the next time she sees me.

YEW YEN CHENG was a super super duper kind soul to have stayed and eat breakfast with me at Yew Tee Point. Hell hell hell long since I last saw her and damned sorry to have made you wait for six hours and you now owe me two serving of drinks.

Headed home as we're all tired.

---------------------

Give me a call if you get lost, I'll walk you out like I always do and as promised.

Fking hell, won't you ever admit your mistakes.

2010-07-03T22:51:00.009+08:00

Alright people, I'm back! & my eyes are kinda stabilized by now already, so I'm ready to write. As most people should know by now, I've done LASIK and yeah, the results were instantaneously felt and many must be curious on how they actually carry out this magic in a short surgery-span of less than ten minutes. I've also received many many questions about it and so I'll write a brief description of it based on my experience.

I've got my LASIK done at Paragon's Premium LASIK Surgery Clinic to begin with. It is located at the thirteenth level. It is accessible via Lobby 1's lifts and the surgery is being conducted at level seventeen.

LASIK basically is...

LASIK, which stands for Laser In Situ Keratomileusis, is a refractive surgical procedure that corrects refractive errors like myopia (short-sightedness), hyperopia (long-sightedness), astigmatism, and presbyopia. It has gained tremendous popularity and is currently the most commonly performed refractive procedure because of its high success rate, rapid visual recovery and low risk.

LASIK corrects the refractive error of the eye by reshaping the cornea. It consists of 2 stages. The first stage is the creation of a corneal flap. This can be done with a motorised blade system, called a microkeratome, which can accurately and precisely create a thin corneal flap. A newer method for creating a flap makes use of a laser called the femtosecond laser. This allows the corneal flap to be created without the use of a blade (bladeless surgery).

The second stage involves partially lifting the corneal flap and using an extremely precise excimer laser to reshape the cornea tissue underneath the flap. The flap is returned to its original position and the entire surgery is completed in approximately 5 minutes per eye. The whole procedure is essentially painless. Because the treatment is done underneath the flap and the uppermost layer of the cornea is not disturbed, there is little discomfort following the procedure and the visual recovery is fast, which allows patients to return to work within 1-2 days after surgery. (Adapted from http://www.plsc.sg/technology.html)

Do visit their site to find out more in detail. Check out the Lifestyle magazines and newspaper as to when they're conducting a Forum or in other words, seminar on it as there're promotional charges & on top of all that, they actually conduct the Post-Evaluation Tests to check the suitability and eligibility of each individual for the correction process for FREE. You will be charged a fee of $180 for them to run the tests otherwise.

Each individual is born with different cornea thickness and if yours is too thin, your eligiblity for the surgery is eliminated. Recommended age is 18 and above and in some cases, 21. There're many more of course and that's why I was required to spend a whole day there from morning till the evening to sit through many many preliminary tests before the actual surgery.

There're a few packages available and prices varies according to each different package. I, myself did the IntraLase(bladeless), Custom package which costs $3098 including GST and surcharges. My surgery lasted for approximately five minutes but that five minutes wasn't easy to tide through.

As stated, there're two stages to the surgery. On the first, my eyes endured immense pressure and little, bearable pain as they placed some silicon material to secure your cornea and prevent it from moving during surgery. As they're doing so, the eye undergoing that procedure actually blacks out knowing its open. It is a very common occurrence but that really freaked me out for a while and I was quite nervous throughout as I was conscious to keep my eyes open throughout. It was a chore, as bright lights were shining about your eyes so that the surgeon can conduct the surgery without difficulty but it was really tough keeping your eyes focused on a specified red dot while they're doing the surgery. & this is just PART 1.

Part two was quicker and less intense. Basically the lasering, and you're conscious to hear the lasering machine. Part two was a lot simpler and you just have to endure the glaring lights and concentrate on the tiny red dot to attain better results. When both stages of the surgery is complete, I can barely open my eyes.

I was tearing non-stop as though I'm crying. & as the anesthetic wears off, my eyes are feeling super uncomfortable and I kept them closed throughout my journey home via a cab and my brother guided me back all the way from Paragon. Once I was home, the sleeping pill did the job. Each patient will be issued two sleeping pills to aid you in sleeping despite the discomfort and after eight hours of sleep, your eyes are good to go. However, we're required to rest our eyes on the second day before resuming work/studies on the third.

Overall, I felt all that chores was worth the results. However, there're of course side effects while your eyes recover over a period of three months - usually. Glares and halos at night but these usually won't pose too much of a problems for non-drivers like myself. & our vision will be inconsistent and blurry at times too as our brains aren't accustomed to the new makeover of your eyesight overnight. Despite so, all these side effects will fade away in time to come. Dry eyes and red spots on the eyes(like mine) may occur too but these also, will fade away in time and do not affect the usual daily routine much at all. The troublesome part is the first three months, as we're to run eye drips almost hourly into our eyes to moisturise, disinfect, and aid the healing of our eyes.

I recommend getting LASIK done at Paragon if anyone is interested as they have got a pretty good record of it in Singapore. Their service are also pretty pleasant and the doctors and nurses there are really polite and nice. Thumbs up for them.

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Enough of all that. Was all all day after noon to look for Esther Jie. Haha, been hell long since I last catch up with her and so, today was all chats and pool games. Got to know a guy Chen Kuo also, a pool expert and got a tip or two from him. Hope I could apply it soon to gain some wins.

Will upload a picture or two maybe some time later.

The inconsistency of my vision is really showing up. My sight was slightly blurry today and the glares almost got me ran down by a car just now. Ah, I so ought to be more careful. Tsk.

I so want to go to KBox on my birthday. I so bloody hell miss it now. Gahh~.

Hoho, Ah Yao and friends are coming over to ton later~. Guess I'll be sneaking out later to meet them. Ha, beats rotting at home through the night right?

&&&, to hell with my sore throat. Fk, I'm so falling ill soon.

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Knowing it was all a faux and prank, I entertained out of boredom. It wasn't a very good thing to do anyway for my case, so I concluded that I should stop after a while. On top of that, I realised how much I depended on others for company as I was so deprived of Your attention and time.

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I thought all was good today, until Your call came. You were fuming and I was clueless on how to make You feel better. I guess I failed at it thoroughly when I asked You to calm down, and got the phone slammed right down on me with a 'Bye'. I called that Jerk right away, but he didn't pick up and neither did he reply my text.

So I guess I could call You again and try to talk You out of any foolish ideas that crossed your mind then, but I failed - again. I got slammed down at again. I was aware I couldn't reverse anything or make it better for You, but I cared, always.

Whether or not You're here or away, have You ever failed to receive my text whenever I wake up everyday? I wondered if You ever is going to realise how much I do care for You. I'm bounded by a lot of things, time and all, but have I once left You in the lurch or use them as an excuse to not budge.

The statement 'Don't pretend to care' is stuck right here, unremovable. I was thinking about it all day. Have I really not done enough? So everything was pretense to You. I shared with You of what I thought in the future but You were afraid. So all that was pretense. Now I know how You see everything I've done and told You before.

I don't care about how many 'fuck(s)', 'cb' and 'asshole', it was all 'cuz You said it was all pretense that got me flabbergasted. I've got no idea You will ever say that, and yes, I'm also human, a living soul who has feelings.

You took everything for granted, yet again.

Ouch, that hurts - A HELL LOT.

2010-07-01T22:03:00.002+08:00

Stuffs near still appear hazy and blurry to my eyes, I'll write all about my LASIK experience right after I recover in a few days. :)

2010-06-28T12:13:00.001+08:00

Went to the LASIK Forum last Saturday and met Edwin after that at Dhoby Ghaut for pool games. It was quite a nice day out but I missed dinner with family at Tanjong Pagar which kinda upset Mom. Tomorrow is going to be my post-evaluation eye test, and if its positive, I'll undergo the surgery tomorrow right away and that will be sleek!

Lum came to my place to while time away yesterday on Sunday and had lunch together and all. Headed out for dinner with family at Lot1's Sakae Sushi.

What a boring holiday. Sigh. Tomorrow is going to be great~!

&&, I wanna watch Eclipse! Anyone want to go with me? :|

2010-06-25T22:36:00.001+08:00

Stayed at home for the past whole week. Rot myself away with DotA. No life~. Somebody ask me out please! :(

I was out yesterday though due to the orientation at the new Choa Chu Kang campus. Its really pretty and huge, lavish for the matter, and I'm starting to feel all excited for school again. On top of that, the amount of problems that are going to arise will also be astonishing I guess.

Headed to Bukit Timah with Ril, An, Lina and Aisah to play pool after school. Played for six hours before heading home. However, I still can't get enough of cue sports although I kinda suck at it. Anyone wanna go? Please tell me. T.T

Fisses much.

2010-06-17T16:15:00.000+08:00

Hello~. These few days of rotting ain't fun at all. None of the jobs we went to apply for actually ring us for interview. Argh, good gracious, am I really going to rot myself away through the holidays? I really hope not.

I thought Tuesday would be another hella boring day, but no! I caught a 1900 show of Karate Kid at Lot1 with Brother and Sister. My review on it will come later. Show ended at approximately 2115 and I ran into Clairis when I exited the theatre. Greeted her and I left for home.

Wednesday was a depressing day. Cooped up at home all day while the A-hole was watching Karate Kid. Met Clairis at Lot1 for a while to hear her rant and headed home. You people must know how bored I am now. Gah~.

Today now, simply rotting at home again. Have got no idea what to do. That A-hole is out there enjoying herself now at town. Gah~. Die on me.

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Rating: ✭✭✭✭

Pretty good catch, humourous, suitable for all ages and a 'family show' I'd call it but not very impactful though.

The story is basically about Dre Parker having to move to China against his will due to his mother's work arrangement. Although he disliked China from the beginning, all was still fine until he started getting bullied by fellow neighbourhood kids who also happened to be his school mates. That wasn't all, the local bullies are well-versed in martial arts rendering Parker vulnerable.

I guess you guys could guess what happens next later in the show or catch it in the cinema nearby with friends. Its worth the money if you've got no idea how to kill time during the holidays.

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I was thinking - really thinking, but I still couldn't quite figure it out. Now I know why you're always avoiding those questions. Hmm. I guess nobody likes to initiate, but love initiation. I've had enough setbacks, now I want some love too.

2010-06-14T21:02:00.002+08:00

Woke up at four plus today.

Its boring, I basically stayed home and while my time away watching streamed movies online at www.kookica.com. Watched Iron Man I and Alice in Wonderland.

I'm feeling so tired still. Ah, damned~. Piggy me.

ACP hurriedly got Rebecca to snap two photos of us before I left for momento since we've got no idea when we will run into each other again.

I'm bored stiff! Somebody suggest what I should do for the holidays please? Any job recommendations?
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I think I'm too smart sometimes, or is it 'cuz you just suck at lying to me. Haha, oh well.

2010-06-13T22:35:00.002+08:00

Today is the last day of the IT Fair and of course, my work.

The past four days had been very exhausting but also, a lot of fun and I learnt a bunch from it as well. All the way from Centrino 2, to the latest Core i7 which I know nothing about before I helped out at the Fair period. A whole new level of experience for retail and information technology on that account.

I was also announced TOP SALES! Which also means an incentive of additional fifty bucks in my pay slip. May not be much, but its the sense of achievement that made it feel so great ya know?

Made new friends there too, like Chun Yea and Wei Jie. However, I'm so grateful to people who helped me out so much like Ken, John and Michael. They were the ones who made it all possible, and also Kwee Cheng who gave me the opportunity for me to be exposed to everything.

Also, ran into ACP and Rebecca at Yew Tee MRT. What a small world! Just when we were talking about how long have we not met in the afternoon and tadah, there. Chatted for a while and rushed home however.

& yes, last but not least - Happy Third B. I just love, to see you smile.

Good night people. I'm tired!

2010-06-10T22:51:00.001+08:00

Uncle Dollie had been pressing me for this upload(my version taken via my phone). Haha, still - the "cute" Zhi Yang.

I look super haggard today due to my lack of sleep again. Slept at five plus in the morning 'cuz of my project and woke up at nine for work at Funan IT Mall. I'm dead beat and its boring there. We're practically smacking flies there as the crowd is concentrated at Suntec since the actual IT Fair is located at the convention centre.

So... yeah! Met a few, new nice people who guided me along the way since I was clueless about everything. It was pretty slacky since there isn't many customers and we simply sat there almost throughout the ten hours besides smoke breaks and lunch of course.

I'm feeling feverish again. Gosh, I seriously need to take care of myself. >< &&&, its freezing in there I shivered throughout the day.

Peeeepoes, click on the Nuffnang Ads alright? :D I'm in a financial crisis now, have yet to clear my fine for littering. *Shucks*

I guess I won't be able to settle my hankerings anytime soon due to my debts and a little something for ... Oh well~, money money fly to me soon please!

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What you told me yesterday, was what I saw through your eyes since the day we met. Be it good or bad, you can always confide in me, I'll be there. Promised haven't I? :)

2010-06-09T22:01:00.000+08:00

Down with a slight fever yesterday night, perhaps due to the rain and sleeplessness of late.

My eye lids are still twitching, been days now. Seems like a bad omen to me.

Aunty Sock posed a very tough question for me today, I don't know how to reply either. I simply brushed it off. I guess only You can answer that.

I guess I've got to stay up tonight for project and I've got work tomorrow morning. What misfortune.

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Its good to be smart, but its never good to be too clever either. Some things are better left undivulged or unknown at times. It helps sometimes to feign dumb and pretend not to know and let it pass. However even that, isn't working this time I guess. You thought You managed to fool me, but these prevailing eyes simply chose not to speak. I acted dumb, and You thought I laughed it off, when my heart is actually crying. You said you heard my heart, I heard yours too.

2010-06-08T22:16:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was really spoilt - I guess?

I was left solitary and that's one. The next was the table talk which basically took away my attendance for the entire day again. The talk lasted for more than two hours and hell everything came out. The result is very much expected and its not good.

Went for the supposedly, arranged at three interview at Metrox but he argued that he said he would call us when he is free some time this week. Ah, simply amazing. A wasted trip to town with An, Yang, Uncle Dollie and Aunty Sock. An, Yang and I then headed to Suntec City to rendezvous with Jeremy and company for a little update and headed back home.

Did the usual routine(washing up, dinner etc) and called You. We then again chatted for a while and You asked to hang up to write and will call back later. I held onto the phone all night in bed, waiting till I passed out.

Woke up not receiving anything and it isn't any surprising now anymore. School and all, sucks pretty much today. Miss Joei cried before me for the first time. I've had enough of bad days, so quit it already alright? Not you - too?!

Hirman's class wasn't fun as usual and we headed to 201 after school. You replied for the first time in four days now, to my delight. We included Ril, An, Mi and I. As they were strumming the guitar and singing, I felt so much. It had been long since we last did this.

Headed over to Tanjong Pagar to look for Fionn Sister after that at her parents' shop after that to eat lunch and talk - again. We talked about how I got to know You, and we got together. Made me smiled but broken again after a while. Sigh. Sister's facing problems with her boyfriend too. :S

Another few hours since your last replied..

Sister's parents then drove me home. Thanks for that.

I'm really really, tired and beat today..

2010-06-07T03:58:00.001+08:00

Don't ask, I've got no idea why I'm still awake at this unearthly hour too.

Yup, here is Zhi Yang's ugly photo! (As promised)

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The minute I shut my eyes, it starts to haunt me and I can't get to sleep. Shit~.

Tell me how am I suppose to breathe, when all my heart knows is - bleed.

2010-06-07T01:38:00.000+08:00

Slept at eight plus this morning. No, let me correct that, I should use the word 'collapse'. Before that, Brother made me breakfast, spaghetti~. It was super nice! With two huge clams on it and prawns. It not only taste nice, but also look nice. I forgot to snap a picture of it. Its really of restaurant standard or even better than some.

Woke up at five plus today. Checked my phone and you didn't reply-still. Waited and whiled my time away at home with DotA. I couldn't hold out any longer, and decided to call. You still won't tell me what are you troubled by. I really wish I can read your mind as if I'm reading a storybook. Sigh.

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Since the day that we met girl
I ain't never had anyone make me feel this way
And my heart is sure it wants to be with you
Wanna give you the whole world

If you make the promise to me, You're gonna stay
Without you guiding me, I'm lost and so confused

What will it take to show you I'll be by your side

Girl I got you and I want to give you what you never had
Girl everyday I hope to make you part of my life
Cause you know me and I know you

Girl your love is where it's at

I'm gonna be the love that's gonna last
And be the one that got your back
Ain't nothing ever that bad that we won't be together
And though we both made our mistakes
And some we never wish we made
But we'll be okay if we just stay together

2010-06-05T22:10:00.001+08:00

Went to Jurong Point to look for Zhi Yang and got to know a new friend there today too. Uncle Dollie came too after a while and Fionn Sister came to look for me out of boredom.

Dessert and dinner was what we actually did there in the few hours we spent. You weren't at your usual haunt today I suppose. Sigh. What a day..

Had a long talk with Fionn as its been ages since we met and we then, cab to our respective homes then after.

I swear I miss you tons. Fisses

2010-06-05T16:22:00.001+08:00

I guess there will be add-ons later in the day, should be going to Jurong Point for a while.

As for now..

I wondered and thought to myself why those lines sound so familiar, I know they're lyrics. I know that. It used to be a song I always listened to, but I can't remember. I searched it up, and its You Were My Everything by Aviation. My heart dropped right to the bottom. That song used to be my favourite when I first broke off with my first genuine ex-girlfriend. & ouch, it hurts - all so very much.

2010-06-04T21:54:00.002+08:00

Skipped all my classes again today. Sigh, slept late and woke up late - uber late. Went to school for naught again. Chilled for a while before heading home to change out of my uniform to meet Zhi Yang, Uncle Dollie and Auntie Sock at Town for another job-hunting session.

Have got an interview on this Monday and we decided to skip the KBox one already. Will be working at Funan IT Mall from Thursday to Sunday next week. Monehhh ftw.

Zhi Yang look retarded with an umbrella at town especially with his outfit and I'll post that picture of him very soon. We then went to BMC Cafe to slack and talk over coffee before heading home at approximately 2040.

The only one thing that really made me smile today, was when I remember our first-day-out at Marina.

You don't get it, it was never about you going or not and if I like the idea of it. Its you forgetting your vows, and 'cuz you told a lie. Whatever you did, I never complained whether or not I like it, until this once as there's a breach of trust. The talk yesterday, I only wanted to clear things up and not make everything fall apart. I never blamed you, needless to say demand any form of apology. The aftermath of our discussion is yet again - devastation. & I saw all these coming and that's why I refrained from talking all this while. I don't enjoy seeing you down, or broken and in fact, it breaks me as well. I only prioritise your well-being and happiness. I chase all the time, but when will I ever be sought after? I always asked for your time in the past, but not anymore as you were never free for me. Besides being there all the time whenever you need somebody to talk to, I can't do anything else.I hate myself as much for making you cry. I'm really sorry for making it happen again. I held onto my phone all day hoping I'd see your reply as soon as I receive it but none. I frantically reach into my pockets when I feel vibration only to realise the phone is in my hands and that my mind is playing tricks on me.

2010-06-03T21:40:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was JOB HUNTING!

Went to City Hall with Zhi Yang, Auntie Sock and Uncle Dollie to look for jobs all over City Hall. From Raffles Shopping Centre all the way to Marina Square via City Link. Asked almost every outlet possible which is looking for sales executives and assistants.

The search was quite fruitful as we managed to apply at six to seven outlets which are hiring. It was tiring but we're comforted since our efforts paid off though we haven't receive any calls today. Aww, hope Zara will call up soon.

& as for today~, its our term's CA and brilliant, I'm confident I'll pass. School all day sucks to the core, I'm dead beat recently due to insomnia. I so need to get rid of that problem which I simply can't seem to. Ah, I'm so vexed now.

Went to Funan IT Mall right after school for an interview for the IT Fair next Thursday to Sunday. Please pretty please come support me alright else I'm gonna rot there till the evening. Anybody looking for netbooks, notebooks and desktops, please give me a call then okay?

Headed home after Zhi Yang finished dinner at KFC.

*Dead beat*

2010-06-01T16:49:00.002+08:00

Had dinner at Sakae Sushi with family again at Lot1 on Sunday
Woke up at six plus to meet Bby @ Clementi to collect wallet on Monday
School sucks on Monday
Couldn't wake up for lessons today, too drained for anything now
Went to school anyway..
Headed home to rot and I wished I could catch some sleep

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A promise actually means something right?

Hmm, I think I need a personal mini diary.

2010-05-29T00:14:00.001+08:00

Its Labour Day and my Father's Birthday coincidentally.

Not much of a celebration of any sort since they just returned from the casino this afternoon and basically just slept through the day. I'm trapped and bounded to only Lot1 since my Ezlink card malfunctioned and I ran out of cash! Plus, my wallet with all my other important cards are with Erni Natasha Ang Rui Xin.

Only have got $5 left for dinner today and I had dinner at Siam Kitchen with Jerry Lim Ding Yang and Vanessa Lee Si Yi. It was fantastic, thanks.

I haven't written in the past few days and this post is actually short because I decided to write some things elsewhere-things maybe only I need to know. :)

2010-05-25T22:14:00.001+08:00

Sunday

Brother drove the family out for dinner. Took a picture of him driving, something I had never expected to see in my life, may be not so quick yet.

Its a Hyundai Avante by the way & we had dinner at Golden Mile.

Headed to Sheng Shiong after we're done to shop for some groceries with parents and something else for ... nevermind. This family Sunday was meaningfully spent as it had been long since we last went out altogether as a family inclusive of my elder brother.

I'm looking forward to another one very soon this Friday-I think?

Monday

Late for school if I remembered correctly and lost fifty cents to Fariz in Blackjack. My ten-cents-magic isn't working I guess since we're using chips. & wow, chips for some casual play is wicked alright.

School is as unproductive as usual, at least in my opinion? My sole purpose of going was to only give IT away yesterday and problems arose to my dismay. Resolved and it wasn't very glamourous to bring up either-so I guess we'll just let it rest?

Tuesday(Today)

Seemingly a good day since its a good start. Was very early, way earlier than the lecturer and she bought us all breakfast. Although its a privilege and not an entitlement, I think I deserve some credits for making improvements? Maybe and may not.

Hirman's lessons today was very much intensive-as usual. Drained, I fell asleep and Lina woke me up as promised during the discussion. Productive and we did something at least-I guess? Somehow a little guilty for making Ril do up everything all the time but sigh, I just haven't got the drive to study and work at it all the time.

Then was dismissal-which was an hour late and Michelle had to put up with my complaints all afternoon only for a cause nobody knows. Searched high and low at the canteen, but nowhere in sight. Guess she's gone, and headed out for a little catching up with the usuals and a little extra company today-Man, Jehian, Shaqeel and Joey. They left early anyway and Fariz showed up. Played Big-Two till its time for Riz to leave for class and we all left for home individually, An, Yang and I.

Yang then spotted her at the traffic lights opposite ours. An went ahead first since I decided to wait-a little muddle-headed. All was fine, till the unpleasantries showed up. No doubt I was to blame, so yeah maybe its my just desserts. Intentions clearly to liven things up but it ended up otherwise.

Ah great, you shut your doors on me again. If I can find a few hours intolerable, I don't know about a day or two. I said I'm sorry, but I guess it didn't quite get through to you.

Sometimes, I just wish I could spend more time with you, if you have it that is.

2010-05-21T21:51:00.001+08:00

Super tired today.

Army Naval Base Open House.

Stupid things happened there.

Tired I decided to skip the details.

Met Lum and Fionn after that.

Home.

Anyone can doubt me, but You(I repeat). Do you know? When I say something to you, I really mean it and it packs a hell lot more than just mere words.

2010-05-20T19:16:00.000+08:00

Hello~. Been away for days haven't I?

School wasn't fun of late and lotsa activities lately~. Basketball games, pool, Bangkit and yeah all~. I wanted to post the details of everyday, but I forgot them all. :X

Damned it~.

So today was kinda shitty. Woke up super late and I got scolded by Dearest Asshole first thing when I woke up as I was awakened by her phone call. Reached school during her break time and spent an hour with her at the canteen.

Got screened by the Police outside school at 201 for doing nothing and got chased back to school again. Went to class shortly and came down AGAIN as there isn't any lectures or lessons and my Dearest Asshole came too.

Left for 201 again after she left me and went home shortly. Super tired of late and the lack of sleep is causing me even more of a headache. Gotta wake up early again tomorrow so, off I go! :)

2010-05-18T23:40:00.002+08:00

Update tomorrow on stuffs for the past two days and tomorrow. :)

2010-05-16T22:27:00.001+08:00

Initially, I thought I would be stuck at home all day to rot but fortunately not. Out to Marina to meet Ril, An, Aisah and Azura for project work again.

At 2100 hours, Baby called to ask me to head home already or I'd be late. I knew that dumb girl is around there somewhere but she refused to tell me where. Damn~.

I'm going to realise this fantasy after my birthday-KRR150. :)

2010-05-15T22:12:00.002+08:00

Today is project day~. We've got lots of projects pending lately, yet to be submitted and some are already due. Damned it, got to do something about it already by hook or by crook and we did that today at Bangkit and Ril's home.

As usual, we were all late and when we reached Ril's house, we've got to wake him up. Now I understand how difficult it is to wake Ril up from his beauty sleep when An complained all the time. He is the ultimate definition of 'sleep like a log'.

Went to Kim San Leng to grab a bite after he woke up and we started to work on our project. Brought his laptop and stationeries downstairs to work on it. Got ferried to and fro today to get drinks and dinner as well. Finished things up at 21:40 hours and he sent me home.

Thanks Bro, will remember what you said to me today. & yes, Hisham joined us today and we're all working on Project-WE together. Thumbs up for that!

Love is still at Malaysia~, and she's missed.

Cleared one project, three more to go~.

I'm so tempted to get a bike now~. KR ftw. I'll come get you soon after my birthday. Just wait alright~.

Adds: Mother is fucked up. She ransacked my cupboards and invaded my privacy-read all my private stuffs and searched my stuffs. Damned it. I hate things like that, & now I'm getting interrogated for useless shits. Fuck it.

2010-05-14T22:09:00.001+08:00

Was too tired the past few days to write much as I've been going for basketball games at 'Green court', the one opposite Yew Tee MRT station with Lum and Brother.

Limping in school today and yesterday as my blisters are hurting much and it burst on me yesterday. I've got no idea why my blister is red in colour instead of whitish transparent. Is it suppose to be like that?

Tired tired tired! School was a COMPLETE waste of time today. I felt as if I wasted my life away today since NONE of the teachers actually conducted lectures. Yup, it sucks especially when we're suppose to be in school from nine to four on a FRIDAY damn it.

Slacked and chilled at 201 with An all the way till eight plus as we're having fun doing up a list of wrongdoings Mr. WE commited. We're planning to do a petition. What a cool way to protest and voice out our unhappiness as a class to WE.

At 23:23 hours yesterday, Miss Erni Natasha Wong Rui Xin nodded when I asked for her return. :) Loves Baby. Attached we are now.

2010-05-11T21:55:00.002+08:00

Tiring long day today...

Reached early but ended up in class late. Waited for Zhi Yang, Vincent and company at the bus stop till 0835 hours. First period was a complete waste of time since Miss Joei didn't teach and gave us time to prepare for our presentation at the following period & my dearest group members all haven't reach school. :\

Most of them were on time though and the presentation was beautifully delivered this time round. Rotted in school till 1508 before leaving with Leslie for Bukit Panjang and then to Lot1 to collect my NEA letter. On our bus journey there, I learnt lots from Leslie. He's a good friend and advisor I must say even though we aren't close.

Left shortly for reporting after collecting my registered mail. Mr Aaron Soo(Probation Officer) said my hairstyle is too punkish and I'm not permitted to have such a haircut. &&&, good news! My probation is going to end on August 26th instead. :D Brought forward by a month! How's that?

Free man ftw. Went home straight after that and out again to meet Lum for a stick or two. Sigh~, same old stuffs again. What else would I be troubled with?

After that, taddaaaa! Home sweet home.

-----------------

I smile and laugh everyday, but who can see the sorrow behind my eyes? I don't know if you can go to sleep after you hang up everyday for I can't. Its hurting to see how things evolved to become like that over the past month.

We were so close, and still having so much to say to you but all I could do was to watch you walk away helplessly. Exactly a month ago, we were at M.B. and I only managed to fetch a cab after ten. Grilled at home by parents and all, but it was all worth it. Watching you so happy, smiling and sometimes crying in my arms, I can't bear to let go. If it wasn't for my curfew, I won't even think of leaving.

Today, on the same eleventh, we're so distant and this huge distance is so killing. Perhaps like you said, I'm stupid for counting on but I don't know how to stop. I'm in the middle of nowhere, you didn't direct me to carry on, or stop. You taught me how to love and believe again, but never once told me how to quit.

I hate being unable to fathom your thoughts. A mind, size comparable to mine, but depths deeper than that of an ocean. Our first two weeks into it, I thought of what to do on every 11th. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, have it all planned and drafted out but Christ, its gotta stop on just the first.

Can you tell me if you love me, miss me and want me? Knowing is one thing, hearing it is another. Yeah, but now I don't even know anything. I know you're facing problems, but so am I and maybe in even more than you are. Regardless, you still come first, at the top of the list. I wish I could share your troubles and walk you out of them. At least I know, I have you by my side.

By smiling, it saves you the trouble of explaining.

& fuck, I need no pity. Just a pure heart and truths will do.

Doubt you knew all these, maybe I'm just a lot better than you when it comes to lying.

"When I'm happy, you smile."

If that's what you think, I'll smile everyday for ~~you~~.

Adds: & if anybody tells me you know how I'm feeling, I'd say no you don't-not at all. The internal struggle I'm facing every single day, not possible to imagine.

2010-05-09T22:21:00.000+08:00

Bye-bye to my previous hairstyle and yet, another new and bold one. I guess I disappointed Khai again for he was expecting to see me in really long hair soon but I went to cut it again-uber short in fact. Well, its boring to enter and exit the hair salloon with a similar hairstyle all the time isn't it? I wanna try new stuffs when I'm young, there's always first times to everything right?

Ah Lum accompanied me to get my haircut this afternoon at Trim & Cut-again. Chilled for a little while at Lot1 and we headed back to Yew Tee. Its already evening time and I left to meet family for our Mother's Day dinner which was intended to be at Alexandra Village but we went to ABC Hawker Centre instead as its still under renovation. This is just a mini-celebration as Brother is going to drive us to Geylang for dinner on the 23rd. Bravo!

Dinner was super filling. Dad ordered sotong, stingray and mussels and on top of these three dishes, I also had two servings of noodles, two chicken wings and a bowl of dessert. Went home after that~ as its running late.

Baby is at 313 with her family now, and is harping on how cold she is now. Haha, poor girl. :P Loves and misses much.

This is all for today.

&.. I'm not racist or anything, but I believe many dislike the stench these Bangladeshi workers possess especially when its getting all cramped up in the trains. Ah yes, its happening to me all the time of late, I've got no idea why and if you always find them an eyesore, you should check this out...

Damned~.

2010-05-08T23:32:00.001+08:00

Okay shut up~. I'm not trying to act feign fierce or anything, I was just sleepy.

Woke up at 1300++ hours today. Been long since I caught a long nice sleep and if you ask me why, its because of the dreaded god forsaken school.

Rotted at home for a few hours, and went to Lot1 to meet Yang. We also met up with Glenndon and Ah Kai after that. Been EFFING long since we last sit down together and chat. Everyone changed so much and yeah, back then in the past, Yang and I brought them up ourselves single-handedly.

After sucha long period of time, as the place changes over time, people changed too. Heart warming to see treasured brothers of mine like them are still around-here with me.

Headed to Marina Square again after that to meet up with Jeremy, Melissa, Gary, Gary's girlf, Sherna(I think?), Sam, Nicholas, Russel, Mattaeus and An. I laughed my way there throughout thanks to Mattaeus. Lotsa things uncovered again and sent me laughing my ass off.

Headed home shortly after due to my curfew and was a LITTLE late. Got ticked off by B and Mother 'cuz of it. Aww.

Till tomorrow People.

2010-05-07T21:32:00.000+08:00

Today is a bad bad day for me and when I say bad bad day, I really mean a very very bad bad day.

First things' first, my NEA letter arrived. F*** it really.

Secondly, I was late for school today and school is going to call my father again-doubly bad.

Thirdly, didn't get to see you today. Okay maybe I did, a glance of you walking out of school.

Fourth, FML, it sucks very much.

Slept my way through school today. Life Skills is simply a rot-away-period and Miss Joei didn't teach today probably because of the attendance.

Hanged out at 201 after school for a while before heading to Lot1 for:

1) collect my NEA letter but the office is closed at 1700 sharp so...yeah.

2) I thought I might run into you there today. *Shit!*

Ran into many people there today and had a little chat with Gavin. Roamed the whole place once before heading home.

THEN, brother came home and asked me to accompany him to Lot1 for a haircut in exchange for some snacks from Old Chang Kee.

Rotted and killed time there and headed home, before receiving her call and now, I'm being hung up. TSK!

Adds: Added Goodbye by Inna, When You Say Nothing At All by Alison Krauss and Your Love Is My Drug by Ke$ha.

--------------------------

Don't know what's wrong with me today either. Its probably because of all the things that are happening lately then made me feel worse when I think about our's.

I dreamt of you again this morning and I really detest waking up from such dreams.

When you're on the line, I whisper "I love you" so softly without a doubt, you can't hear. After you hang up everytime, I'd say it again to the beeping tone aloud. I pat the screen, just like how I pat your head in the past. Can you feel or hear them?

2010-05-06T23:11:00.005+08:00

Before I go on about anything else, I'll just address two questions that people never fail to ask me. After this, please refrain from asking me these questions again. If there're any updates on it, I'll do so right away here when I get home or anything. So yeah..

Q: Are Erni and I still together?

A: The answer is 'I don't know'. Its complicated and not something we can write off easily in just a few words. I'm just as confused too, wait till we finally get to sort things out properly before I address this officially. Patience is a virtue.

Q: Do you still like her?

A: I LOVE her more than anything in the world, more than myself.

These are the two most frequently asked questions. Any other questions you guys might want to throw at me, you can do so at the comments segment or the tagboard if you prefer to keep your identity undivulged to others.

-------------------

School today as usual, was SUPER boring especially when our timetable for today was from eight in the morning all the way till five in the evening. Its like working-office-hours and I hate Thursdays, that's for sure.

I reached early today surprisingly. :) However, I went to class to Facebook for a little bit before lining up three cushioned chairs together in the lab, for a snooze. I was damned tired as I waited for that Moron to reach home safely before going to bed.

Your 'Hello' and 'Good night'-very important to me. Can't sleep properly without them I swear.

Skipped PE after the first period from eight to ten and so~, I rotted in the canteen and at 205 till 1300 hours when my next class commenced. Again today, the weather was really intimidatingly hot & humid, beyond bearable at times.

Blaaaaaaa~ and here comes the long-awaited dismissal of school. Chilled outside school till 1900++ hours with Ryan, An & company. Uncovered even more unexpected truths, which further degraded his stand in me.

I also realised I forgot ALL about my REPORTING! Damned it, my probation officer is bound to f*** me in the ass so bad next Tuesday when my next reporting is scheduled. Oh gosh, I so have to face the music again. Hates pretty much I guess?

Adds: Edits to my playlist again. Removed most of the songs and added Sorry and Good Morning by Inna. Enjoy~. :)

-------------------

You avoided my questions again today and diverted all my attention elsewhere. I know, but nevermind. If you don't wish to talk about it yet, I don't mind. I thought you were ready like you said you are, guess not? I'll wait then & to be frank, I'm afraid at the same time too of what you might say-the whole story and your decision-the ultimatum.

My fear of losing you never once dissipate, and in fact, its growing over the days.

Your perfume on my wrist, always so sweet and lasting like ever. This burning desire everyday to just hug you whenever I see you simply won't fade away. I'm having a hard time managing my emotions. I wonder what do I see in you at times? It wasn't because you're pretty or slim and slender, I think its your gorgeous eyes and that always-so-true heart that got me entwined in your world.

♥ Much Baby

2010-05-05T18:15:00.001+08:00

I wanted to write yesterday about lots of stuffs, but She called and I dropped the idea and headed straight to my room for a long chat. Then today, I forgot most of what I wanna write but most of them were already sent to Her in text, so its fine.

I seriously hate school of late. Its forever raining, so humid and hot. The horrendous weather can really be torturesome at times.

Nothing interesting today and I just headed home after school.

OH WAIT, maybe there are interesting things but only An and Ril know that inside joke we three share-WE! Its really shocking to see how people change over time 'cuz of greed, money and power.

I haven't got much to say on that particular account but its just disappointing to hear these aren't all, there're also backstabbing incidents which I do not wish to mention from someone I used to respect a lot. You're losing it all now unknowingly and you still demand it from me.

Its true how time can really tell everything. Hmm.

Don't demand my respect, earn it. & apparently, you failed. However, I know you wouldn't care or mind anyway. I'd simply receive more stabs on my back without knowing it, but of course I don't owe you a living either. It sucks to know how your good friend actually bluffed and backstabbed you, especially when its someone you trusted dearly and held on high regards.

Also, its not just me. Others are feeling the same way although they aren't showing it or telling you. However, I refuse to remain silent and just submit to you. I'm not somebody like that.

Trust takes decades to form, a moment to break.

2010-05-03T22:38:00.002+08:00

Watched Ip Man 2 with family after school today. A very good catch, definitely worth the money people, believe me. Action packed and a moving story on how the heroic Ip Man fights to protect the dignity of Chinese Martial Arts.

Didn't sleep a wink as I can't sleep yesterday. Went out in the middle of the night to meet Lum downstairs for a talk till daybreak. It was fun catching up with old times and reflecting what silly things we actually did in the past. In return of all of that, I was dead beat in school today.

School started out alright? Reached early since I've got too much time on hand and had breakfast there. Then, she sat down with Nixie and Sherry beside me. Talked and they clarified all the misunderstandings with Ivory and company.

Thanks B, I know you did this on my account okay?

We all left the canteen at 1200++. Lessons and blablabla~. &, I'm also not proud at all to say I'm next on the chopping board. The Section Head is going to have me expelled if my attendance do not improve. Mrs Joanna Seam said she wouldn't call if my attendance this week were to improve but she called TODAY on MONDAY! :) Thanks, this is simply amazing.

Headed home shortly after dismissal and tadaa! As expected, I got sledge-hammered at home-verbally of course. This can't feel any better especially when all these people out there are pinning the blame on Her which made me super upset.

Showered, changed and grabbed a bite before heading out again to Lot1's Cineplex for our movie-Ip Man 2.

Sister invited me to take pictures with her all of a sudden. I don't know why, but I agreed anyway.

Returned to Yew Tee to meet Lum for a while for a few sticks before heading home-finally after the movie.

Adds: I caught 21:21:21 on my digital watch!

---------------------------------

You change as quick as the wind blows and I'm having difficulties trying to fathom you.

You go to my page when you miss me while I'm always at yours.

You must be really busy today for not replying after so many hours-again.

Its fine though, I'm comforted we smiled and talked today, and I sensed your touch again.

When you run, I chase. However please do not run out of my sight okay?

2010-05-03T00:35:00.005+08:00

Another picture taken at Sentosa on Friday with Jocelyn Bradaa.

Today was not so interesting. Simply went to Mel's place with Jeremy, An and company to have a bonding session.

Was at the LAN gaming centre at Serangoon Gardens after that. Liven things up a little before I cab home.

The cab fares home of late is really bombing my pockets. I so hate my curfew and it'll only be over in months to come. Damn it~.

My NEA littering thingy haven't been posted to me yet too, I wonder if the officer gave me a chance after all-I hope? Please do, or I may have my probation extended. Damn that alright.

Met Lum before heading home since he's just a street away. Caught up with old times and had a little chat and he's so damned right about everything-both my thoughts and feelings. Sighhh~. May God be benevolent to me, I only want a happy good life for you and me together-really.

---------------------

You still avoided my questions after thirty hours of my 'imprisonment' of the heart. Sometimes I really wish I could read your mind. I could tell something is wrong, but you still denied everything. Sigh.

Don't you see you're the only one I need and want?
The awkward silence today, can't help but break my heart. Been ages since I last hold you and touch your face, run my fingers through your hair and tell you how gorgeous you look everyday. You said nothing's wrong, but we both know there is.

At least, you picked up my call and I'm comforted I get to hear you before I go to bed.

Off to the showers and bed now. :')

I know I inflicted hurt, but I never meant to do that. I'm sorry to have been insensitive but please know, how important you are to me.
除了要你在我身旁，我什么都不要你知不知道？

2010-05-02T02:26:00.002+08:00

Woke up at 1600++ hours today.

Left for town at 1800++ hours.

Went there to eat at KFC and take a walk in Gucci. Spent an hour plus there and headed home.

Moody..

---------------

That's all there is to the word 'trust'. Sigh, again today.
My heart is calling..

2010-04-30T23:35:00.002+08:00

Sentosa trip today. :)

School organised this team bonding activity for the whole Business Administration classes of year two at Sentosa today. However, it was quite boring for me since I didn't intend to participate in any and went there simply for the sake of attendance. Oh well, guess that's the lazy old me everyone knows.

It was amazingly hot there today, this morning to afternoon. Can't stand the heat at all so Shahril and I simply went to Delifrance and rot there till time is up and till we're supposed to leave. :D Smart right?!

You must be able to tell, I'm friggin' bored there and yes, I almost fell asleep. Haha~. :X

Headed home after everything to shower and change before heading out to Vivo City again for a movie with family. Caught Iron Man 2 and the movie wasn't that great for me since I'm thinking of her all the while and not focusing much on the show.

Returned home by cab, and a little late too but my TRC came late as well, so I was safe! :)

----------------------

Took you hours to reply today. Had you on my mind all day, worried and my wild imaginations started to spur again. Gah, had so much to tell you today but I guess I wouldn't get the chance to.

I always wanted to tell you many things, but those words always stopped at my lips and I ended up whispering to myself instead hoping you'd hear them which you obviously couldn't only because I felt that such things may not be appropriate anymore.

I'm still confused. What are we? Can you tell me?

Have got an uneasy feeling today, hope you're fine out there-without me.

This picture is still on my wallpaper. Fisses much.

2010-04-29T17:16:00.002+08:00

A story I came across just now. Some may have read it off my Facebook earlier already but yeah, its meaningful, so I thought maybe I should just post it again. :)

-------------------------------

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and
said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know
what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly,
why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the
chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't
talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what
had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory
answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just
pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated
that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent
ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for
her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I
had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of
me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a
kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several
weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something
at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell
asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not
care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want
anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a
life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a
month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken
marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to
recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of
our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going
crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd
request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to
face the divorce, she said scornfully..

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we
both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy
in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to
the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in
my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about
the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the
office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I
hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she
was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair
was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I
wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy
returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was
growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry
her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few
dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my
dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so
thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her
heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an
essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer
and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I
might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms,
walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her
hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly;
it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held
her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I
held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked
intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the
door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked
upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not
want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have
a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I
won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I
didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each
other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on
our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed
the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my
wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and
wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I
run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a
relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the
bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot
give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend
and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a
real happy marriage!

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they
were to success when they gave up.

-------------------------------

This little short story here actually made me reminisce a lot. Treasure everyone around you for the tomorrow people always speak of, may just never come.

School was a total waste of time today. It was supposedly gonna end at five but we ended up being dismissed five hours earlier since ALL of our teachers are absent and Miss Joei just gave us a little task to accomplish before we're allowed to be dismissed from lessons.

Rotted and rotted and rotted till about one plus before heading to Clementi to meet Xia. Went to eat lunch and have heart talks before I head home and she went to work.

Parents are going to Marina Bay's new casino today and I'll be alone at home with my siblings later. Simply great~.

-------------------------------

I can never get mad at you. Awwergh. I tried to ignore you but I can't stop talking to you or I'd get all anxious and worried about you. Regardless, your words are indeed piercing at times without your knowledge.

2010-04-27T22:00:00.000+08:00

Formal dress code for presentation in school today! :) It was very hot since its long sleeved and such, but people say I look good in it. Like, tadaa~! Okay, I don't have any pictures of me in school with that outfit, but Kerrqi took one of me when I was playing pool just now. So...

So as I was saying, I was in school for the presentation for EOP. Presentation was kinda smooth as I was required only to do the clicking and browsing through of the slides as I wasn't very certain about the contents since I couldn't stay long enough to finish up everything due to my curfew.

Pulled it off quite beautifully anyway since my job was to just keep quiet and click my way through. :D Finished class and stayed in the canteen till 1600 before leaving for Bukit Batok CSC in wait for Kerrqi and Gina for a pool session as promised.

Xia got pissed and didn't want to meet anymore. :X Super sorry about it, it was my negligence I must emphasize so yeah. Hope you're fine on your own Bestie. Sat in at KFC in wait for Kerrqi and Gina to finish their dinner before heading home together. Dropped off at Lot1 to have my watch adjusted before heading back.

They were saying I kept smiling to my phone-damn it. Haha!

Fisses B.

2010-04-26T22:25:00.001+08:00

Some people out there simply don't know the difference between Selfish by N'Sync and Selfish by Nikki Flores-AMAZING. Simply amazing. I'm utterly amazed by a copy but drop it alright. :)

Dead beat today, no idea why either. School was an utter bore-totally.

She's in lotsa problems today and called me. Managed to make her smile like a moron but she can't reply currently due to some unforeseen circumstances. Please call me up if you meet with any unhappiness or problems, I'll be there I promise to make you smile again! ;)

Went to Marina Square's Starbucks to get our EOP project done but anyway, didn't get to do much as everyone wasn't punctual. Ril treated me LJS! Woohoo! Ah Bang sia that boboy, so cute! Okay so yeah, had to go off early due to my curfew which is causing a hella inconvenience but I haven't got a choice.

Then then then, to that stupid Copy-Bitch out there, please don't call somebody a COPY when you're a complete failure in COPYING. Damn, I'm pissed. You've caused so much problems if you don't know you solemn moron. ZZZZZZzz~! Hates pretty much.

2010-04-24T22:17:00.004+08:00

Mother's Birthday Celebration today! Well, it isn't that much a celebration but we went for dinner over at Sakura International Buffet Restaurant at the Science Centre just now. Been long since I last had sucha filling dinner since the last one at Sakae Sushi.

I'ma go get a watch tomorrow with Sister and she's all crazed about bagpack travelling. _|_ Fun meh?!

Anyway~, Kian Teck is gonna sell me his Gucci Lanyard which is said to be in good condition. Hmm, should I or not? If I buy it, then there goes my ITouch. :(

Adds: Vans were so afraid I'd get to know April. LOL! Hahaha! Gosh that's the greatest joke yesterday. :)

------------

Fisses my girl. I have a fetish for dedicating a tab to you and refreshing at it non-stop.

2010-04-23T23:05:00.002+08:00

Changed my songs! :) Have got a brand new list of songs up this time~.
They are:
N'Sync - Selfish
Kris Lawrence - I Will Take You Forever (ft. Denise Laurel)
M2M - The Day You Went Away
Kris Allen - Live Like We're Dying
N'Sync - That's When I'll Stop Loving You

I find them super nice people. Do listen to them! Their lyrics carry a hella meaning and purpose too. They kinda expressed what I'm feeling sometimes and they speak on my behalf at times when its so difficult to talk.

Okay, gotten better. My headache and breathlessness are going away-like thankfully. It was really killing the past few days. I swear never to drink a bottle of that anymore, the aftereffects are torturesome.

Been to Batok CSC pretty often of late. That's the first place that came to my mind whenever problems arise for me. Just shoot them all down along with the balls and it does helps at times to soothe the messed up heart and mind.

Hope Kegan Bro is alright now and and and, please guys, don't ever sound me over staring incidents again. You're going to make yourselves a complete joke.

Nonetheless, FISSES I swear-its FFISSES now!

2010-04-22T22:42:00.001+08:00

22nd today is hella different. Sigh.

Compounded version of Heartache and Headache combined.

Shit.

----------

Ah yes. I've got no idea my blog here actually has lots of unexpected visitors and even strangers. People who sent me your well wishings, thanks. :)

2010-04-21T22:57:00.003+08:00

ALL IS LOST!

I sat down today at the canteen in wait for You. Deep down I was struggling, wondering how to talk to You and how do I start at that topic. In mind, I bear the thought of changing your mind and wanted to tell You everything is going to be alright-but nothing was fine.

Our hour long talk, all I could remember was "Nothing else matters anymore because its over". I tried everything-literally. I was at wit's end and You left with merely "I don't want to see you suffer anymore". That answer was never of satisfaction but I guess You don't care anyway. I sat there alone, the lights were dim, so was my heart. Its falling apart like never before, and You didn't know how much your replies pierced. You told me everything that had happened before, we all fake and meaningless.

I was outraged, lost and clueless-heartbrokened. I only had the table and walls to vent my frustrations on although I know these won't ever change anything. My intention was never to inflict injuries on myself, I just hoped all these little little distractions will make me think less about You, but everything didn't seem to work. I don't know what to do.

I left the school, seeing You in tears. It was never once so painful before. On my way back, I felt giddy and faint as I was so too agitated earlier, and that pain was all so overbearing for myself. It was just this ONE MONTH, but I don't know what made me felt so much. I rang Angela to accompany me for a while before I head home.

Went to some block near Yew Tee Point and sat there lifeless. I kept asking myself why, with a cigarette at my fingertips, tears streaming from my eyes. I questioned and questioned myself, I don't know why. Got better, stood up and we went to look for Shan Min together, with eyes half opened.

Was at a playground near my place, we were having heart talks. Shan Min is in a similar plight, crying to herself when we first met. Then, we laughed crazily at ourselves for our foolishness that brought us today. Laughed so much tears came out again, laughed so much my stomach is hurting and my cheeks got tired. I looked up into the sky, asking God and the stars why such things have to happen to us.

Headed home at 21:58. I felt numb, and all so tired I might just collapse. Hands still shivering from the time You left, Mother asked what happened. I merely told her I was too hungry.

Everything was given up by the You, who didn't try to put up a fight. But I'm glad, I spurred Thiam Man to persist and I guess things turned out fine for them. Now my job is to back away silently, and watch You from the sidelines till I'm able to slowly let You go.

All my friends said, I changed-a lot. I laughed again. Now, its Goodbye.

Its hurting again..

*Adds: This pain is fucking unbearable. Why don't somebody just kill me? Why don't You stab me before you leave? What is 'sorry' and 'thank you'? These never meant a thing to me, like I always used to tell You.

2010-04-20T22:00:00.002+08:00

Fifth day today and my heart is hell in pain especially this time round, I don't know why.

I'm forever so useless, helpless and hopeless when it comes to relationship, none ever went well. Staying is a task so hard for you to fulfill.

You don't care anymore.. I'ma loser, I'm stupid whatever. I'll accept them.

---------------

Sorry for having to lie to you Mr Lim Ding Yang. You're the greatest friend I've got in my life since Primary level. I know you care~, and yeah you were right, those weren't left by a fight. You understand me best, you're a great friend! :)

2010-04-19T22:18:00.000+08:00

Today is the fourth day, and one of the most miserable one till date..

I woke up, with a splitting headache and fever, accompanied by the never-going-away heartache. Probably because I was caught in the rain yesterday, or perhaps this is what people call lovesick. With all my efforts, I dragged myself out of the bed checking my phone before I get up-again only to be disappointed again. Have you really decided to cease this ongoing love?

Got to school, I've got no idea how news spread so quickly, people come sprawling to me asking me if I'm fine when I'm obviously not, asking me how it ended up this way which I don't really know, telling me to cheer up which never really helped for once. I felt miserable and its seriously unbearable, I had 7(Marylyn/Angela said 9 but I don't know) panadol pills, hoping it'd at least help a little but to my dismay it only made things worse.

Dismissed from class, I came down to the canteen hoping to spot you and I did, before my very eyes but I was speechless again. I stood there still, watching you until we exchanged glances and you quickly shun away. Is what you saw just me? Can you see the sorrow and pain which filled my eyes as I looked at you with intensity that never once lessened?

You told others to take good care of me for you can no longer be there, you said I'd be better off without you, you also said you're letting go because you love me. However, all these things aren't showing at all, not the least bit. Letting go never exists, its either you love me or you never loved at all.

For some reasons, you're unable to reply/talk to me anymore. I don't know why. Maybe its a pact you made with someone, I don't really know. I only know, you're prioritising your pride, and everything else before the shattered me you always speak to care and love of. If you really can't talk, speak with your eyes, with that gaze that used to tell me everything.

Do we really not have anything to talk about, do you really not have any questions to ask me? Or do you fear the fact that I'd change everything just like I always do. Its been forty two hours since you last replied me. I'm still counting on.

2010-04-18T22:05:00.000+08:00

Tell me what to do O' Heavens. I'm lost-totally.

This morning, I woke up from a dream of myself begging you to stay, in tears. I betrayed my senses.

What is this trying to tell me? Why is Heaven making fun of me-again? I think and think and think, I don't know what I should do. Leaving isn't an option and staying is an option unavailable to me anymore, besides ripping my heart apart, these facts aren't doing any other thing.

After not eating for three days consecutive, I had my first meal today under my Dad's supervision. Couldn't eat much, and I feel like throwing up. Why break up in the first place when there's always other ways and alternatives to solve problems? Breaking up is only an escape that shatter hearts.

The whole world is telling me to give up and move on, but my heart can't. I always choose to follow my heart, then can I find happiness as I know, what I want in life. You asked me to return you your heart, but why ask me? If you want to, your heart would have left along with you.

I don't know what to do again. My vision is misty, heart so heavy and dying.

2010-04-18T01:08:00.002+08:00

Letting go. :)

The boldest thing I ever did this year, was plucking out my courage to ever date you. We shared much, loved much, did much but it all still came to an end. People always say, good things come to an end don't they? Great, I'll accept it this time most willingly.

You were great and very noble. You did something that killed you so much for my sake. A girlfriend in no ways comparable to those I've ever got in my life. You enlightened me on how being loved actually feels like on a whole new level. I'm grateful.

If I could turn back the clock back to the 22nd February, I'd only regret on one account. That is to not have known you earlier, to understand you better, to care more and love you more. Knowing everything will only last for a month, I regret not doing so. I told you before, I felt it coming but I chose to ignore my instincts.

The only way I can express my love for you now is to let you go and do as you please-whatever that's going to make you happy. Like I always say, your smiles make everything worthwhile. Don't let our pains and tears go to waste, make sure you're happy out there without me. Just remember, I'm always here for you regardless of whatever identity to you.

These wonderful memories will be kept in my heart till the day I pass on. All that, are something money can never even come close to buying whereby everything was fueled by nothing but, love.

Remember me always-please. ♥

Goodbye.

I Know - By2

I have never thought before
of not being able to hold your hand
When I felt wronged(?) you weren't there
accompanying my heartache
It's all because of me, I was too stubborn
I thought you'd understand,
I kept forgetting to say how touched I was

I know you still love me
Although, whatever the reason
We both accepted the fact
You know how much I'd hurt,
And so until the very end
you kept smiling, cheering me on

I know you still can't let go of me
because the time when we parted
you closed your eyes and didn't look back
We both know what our hearts are thinking
I have never really heard of this kind of love...

Once, I had a dream of complete happiness(?)
In my mind, I still wish for you to be by my side

I know you still can't let go of me
because the time when we parted
you closed your eyes and didn't look back
I promise you I will continue to live well
Or else these tears will have flown uselessly

2010-04-17T22:42:00.001+08:00

Another day, without you. I don't know what made me thrive till now, and its getting harder by the minute. It used to be a few hours at most the last time, but now you're no longer bothering about me.

Ever since you left, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I lost my will and I can't do anything. Its as if I'm having a parasite in me, sapping my energy away from me bit by bit. The heart is being ripped apart, energy drained, everything rotting away-resembling a living dead.

Every now and then, I'll check, check and still check, wait, wait and still wait hoping to receive your texts. I need you B, I really do. I didn't have any meals ever since you left, you left me along with everything else. I read all our past texts in the past, always pondering and asking myself why things have to end up this way. You've got no idea how much its killing me. Again, its coming again, my vision blurring. Even yesterday, the rain felt warm.

11 April 2010 04:11
"Fragile Present : Erni Natasha Wong Rui Xin. (Nah! Take laa take laa!) :x

Remember? This was just less than a week ago and on the 16th at about 0900++ hours, things changed overnight. Literally overnight. And just an hour before that, you told me you won't and never will leave. Baby you've got no idea how much those words mean to me and what had you done.

This pain now, was even more than that two years ago. Of all things, and stuffs, you chose to leave, now that everyone is not at home, I broke down relentlessly. Why aren't you here, I keep asking myself. Why do you not realise what I always cared and wanted so badly, is solely you. People tell me you're gone for good, but I'm not convinced. I know you love and still care.

You don't know how much I look at your pictures everyday, refreshing at your wall time and again every moment just to know what you're up to because you refuse to talk to me anymore. Its like, you want your existence in my life to disappear, but you know that's so impossible. You know, I thought of what we could do together after my probation, I thought of what to do for our second month together, I had them all planned. I know, I just needed the time to realise all these vision, but now you decided to leave.

I lost everything. Tell me what to do to make you come back? Is this how you make my life better now that you're gone? You said we're better off without each other. Is that really the case now? We ended up broken both sides, I have so much in my head, so much I still wanted to tell you, but you don't give me the chance to anymore. I have no means of talking through to you anymore. I'm only able to cry miserably out when nobody's around to myself, then I realised how much I loved you.

I really am suffering, badly. Please return to me. I'm begging you. I'd do anything, literally. What had I done wrong? Why is Heaven always doing such cruel things to me? You told me I'm great and you love me, why put me through this living hell? Do you know how much your daily "Hello" actually weigh? I never once allowed you to hang up with "Goodbye".

First time in my eighteen years of life, I actually teared so much. As its happening, I"m here penning down my thoughts, whatever I hve in mind right now, hoping it'll knock some sense into your thick skull. Stupid Strawberry girl, Erni Natasha Wong Rui Xin. Don't do this can you? Tell me this is just a nightmare that felt so real.

100th post of this blog ftw. And, 100th.

Miserble At Best - Mayday Parade

Katie, don't cry, I know
You're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we shared
Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, it's not mine, but I want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(While across the room he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped to find
In every single way
And everything I would give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Cause I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
And I need it

So, let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(While across the room he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

Ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh

And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Cause I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly

So, let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(While across the room he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you but
Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best...

2010-04-17T13:12:00.002+08:00

Jesse McCartney - Because You Live

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back like a wake up call
I've been looking for the answer
Somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky

It's alright, I survived, I'm alive again
Cuz of you, made it through every storm
What is life, what's the use if you're killing time
I'm so glad I found an angel
Someone
Who was there when all my hopes fell
I wanna fly, looking in your eyes

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky
Because you live, I live

Because you live there's a reason why
I carry on when I lose the fight
I want to give what you've given me always

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has everything I need to survive

Because you live, I live, I live

2010-04-16T21:13:00.005+08:00

Adds:

I have so much in mind, I don't know where to start.

This month, I gave you everything, anything that makes you happy. Calls every night, it'll always end with "Good nights, love you, hello". Now, all these are going to disappear. If you ask me why, frankly I do not know.

Now, my heart is dying, the pain is killing. I told you, I've been having dreams of you leaving me since last week and you always tell me: Silly, its won't and is never going to happen. But today, you asked for a break up, you told me you and I, are better off without each other. This really killed me, a stab so deep nobody can reach.

I've lost my mood to do anything. My head aches, my heart kills, my mind always thinking of you. I don't know how, my hands ended up bloody. That car should have did the job, but it stopped, don't know why.

With tears in my eyes, I wonder why. I give and do anything that put smiles on your face, but why is this happening now? We were happy, the smiles on your face that made everything worthwhile, priceless moment of you touched to tears. Have you forgotten all of them?

You once said you'll be happy when I smile but now, its a whole different story altogether, do you feel my pain?

040310 19:31
"No won't happen again. Omg I'm hell so sry Baby. Really really. Didn't mean to. If it were to happen again, no more phone calls okay? Mark my words babe(:"
040310 21:34
"Hey Baby. Omg I hate how my phone kept dying on me. Sigh, duibuqi uh. But I charged it I swear! Even had a spare batt. This suck. Erni's missing someone hell so much. :x hah I just gotta home frmo STUDY! Hope you've eaten already. Or I'd be throwing food from here! I'm off to the showers! Will call you later (:"
040310 22:14
"Hey YOU! *pointing* Yeah YOU! *Who?* That Short & Ugly one there! Haha :D done yet? I don't care your not. I'm just goina call you. HAHA~ Misses"
050310 03:10
"Shuddup! I knew that! Haha, Aww f it. Dad told me to go to bed. Phone batt's being such a bitch. & hell, imy already. :("
050310 15:44
"I wouldn't have to worry 'cuz I know you'll definitely call me :P"
050310 20:00
"Hey baby, imy :( hah :X"
050310 21:27
La la la la~ Sry baby :S phone was in my bag. Miss me? Hah :P Nei ni nei ni poo poo! Watcha up to? I'ma rush home now. Want you to call :("
050310 21:31
"No, had you running on my mind every sec & hell hate it. I'm fine! Not dead yet :P I'm more worried about you. Always out causing troubles. & smoke smoke! Eek :S"
060310 00:36
"*And I was like, Baby baby baby, ohh ~* haha la la la :P"
060310 14:22
"Of course I'm fine Silly! Haha, your so cute I feel like pinching you :P Ee I'm not falling sick 'cuz of that. I guess I missed you too much that's why. So see! Your fault! Damn it, goina ask the doctor to remote you out later. Can't take it anymore :("
060310 14:31
"Aww? F it, every time you're alone, I'd be rushing down to the canteen to meet you. Hell now it's super far!"
060310 21:24
"Worrying, worried, very. Baby :("
060310 21:28
"Haha kidding baby. Damn imy :x How was your day?"
060310 21:35
"*I did dot*"
070310 02:40
"Don't worry, people will still be here for you though you're fat :P"
070310 20:52
"Haha it's because when I asked her : what's up with Yong Qin. Then she was laughing her ass off then she told me."
070310 22:58
"*& I was like, Baby baby baby ~ lol. I'm just about to turn in (: I'll see you around okay? Damn imy :x"
080310 11:43
"Aww? Poor baby :( Wish I could hug you till you warm. :x"
080310 12:33
"Aww? Omg I was late for 15 mins tryina look out for you in the canteen! haha"
080310 20:03
"Baby imissyou :("
080310 21:21
"Haha. Baby, you had me thinking of you ALL day :( of course I'd be mad."
100310 08:06
"BABY! Eek something was missing this morning :( Your text! Aww? I mati liao :S Hell imissyou baby (: Morning. Oh and good luck on your paper okay. Misses"
100310 15:47
"Baby ah.. imissyou more. :("
100310 23:46
"(: Goodnight Baby (: Sly tight (: Yeah, I will! (: but just get your alarm clock ready (: you know I'm always late -.- Oh and thanks to Yan Ling I finally know that 10+12=22. (: haha. Lotsa smiley faces to tell you that you never fail to put a smile on my face :x Misses"
110310 07:48
"The last thing I wanan hear from you is Goodbye. Duh?"

All these were even before we got together if you remember them all. Just this interval, from 22nd February to the 11th of March and we shared so much. Needless to say from the 11th March till today the 16th April but now, you're giving up everything.

You got me speechless, once more for another cause besides being happy this time round.

Adds:

What's more? You didn't fill me in on what actually happened. You didn't give me any chance at all to rid myself of queries and all. You just left, and disappeared into silence. I learnt something from a friend: Pain is never a reason to let go. I find it true, and I abide by it.

But, if you love me as much as you said you do, why are you letting go? People ask why are we breaking up, and I don't know how to answer. Some people say you're just toying me, but I know you aren't, so why?

I believe there's a need to talk, but you ain't bothering anymore. People ask me how and why did you do such a thing, but I don't know.

Fuck it, its a repetition of what happened before. And I can't believe you actually chose to do so ultimately. Utterly crushed.

You taught me how to love, but never once told me how to stop.

2010-04-16T19:26:00.000+08:00

Secondhand Serenade - Stay Close, Don't Go

'm staring at the glass in front of me,
Is it half empty?
Have I ruined all you've given me?
I know I've been selfish,
I know I've been foolish,
But look through that and you will see,
That I'll do better.
I know, baby I can do better.

[Chorus]
If you leave me tonight,
I'll wake up alone,
Don't tell me I will make it on my own.
Don't leave me tonight,
This heart of stone will sink 'til it dies,
If you leave me tonight.

Sometimes I stare at you while you are sleeping,
I listen to your breathing,
Amazed how I somehow managed to,
Sweep you off of your feet girl,
Your perfect little feet girl,
I took for granted what you do,
But I'll do better.
I know, baby I can do better.

[Chorus]
If you leave me tonight,
I'll wake up alone,
Don't tell me I will make it on my own.
Don't leave me tonight,
This heart of stone will sink 'til it dies,
If you leave me tonight.

And don't you know,
My heart is pumping,
Oh, it's putting up the fight.
And I've got this feeling,
That everything's alright.
Don't you see?
I'm not the only one for you,
But you're the only one for me.

If you leave me tonight,
I'll wake up alone.

[Chorus]
If you leave me tonight,
I'll wake up alone,
Don't tell me I will make it on my own.
Don't leave me tonight,
This heart of stone will sink 'til it dies,
If you leave me tonight.
Don't leave me tonight.

Adds later.